Sex is not love

Whether you learn it the hard way (like I did) or you've read it somewhere early and took note, it's important for us women to realise that sex is not the same as love.

I read somewhere once that women have been genetically programmed to become "attached" to the man they sleep with, whereas men are programmed to "sow their seed" with as many women as possible. Given the things I've seen my friends go through over the last year or so, this makes some sense. Could it be that we women are genetically programmed to love the person we are sleeping with?

I'm no stranger to the concept of a "friend with benefits" and although I can say that I have not been in love with said "friend", I have felt loving feelings towards them after sex. Like many women I know, I yearn for intimacy both during and after sex, and I feel quite daunted and uneasy if the guy just rolls over and sleeps, or leaves in a hurry. Is this the "attachment" or "loving feeling" I've read about?

Like I said, I learned that sex was not love the hard way. And in realising this, I want to share it with every female I come into contact with. It means I do not love every man I sleep with, no matter what the overspill of emotions tells me. And it also means that "giving it up" will not necessarily result in the guy falling in love with me.

I'm not saying that men won't love a woman after having slept with them. I know of a friend of a friend of a friend who slept with a guy on the night they met and they are now happily married. What I mean is that just because sex has happened does not mean the guy will begin to have feelings for the woman.

Through discussions with many of my female friends, and through my own experiences, we have found that men have had more respect and love for women the more quality time they spend together. This is more than sex. I'm referring to fun activities, deep conversations, long walks, dinner dates, funfair and theme park trips. Guys have shown their levels of love through spending quality time, not just through sex.

I would love it if I could preach this to every woman I meet who didn't already know it. I feel like it's the Holy Grail of relationships- a forgotten truth that all women must know, to understand their biological make up and have more meaningful relationships.

Not to say the non-meaningful, short-lived, "can't get enough" sexual relationships can't be enjoyable. After all, who doesn't like a bit of meaningless animal sex?

"Mr I"

Men – we are not mind readers any more than you are!

This isn’t a ranty post I promise. Its more of an angsty – actually kinda sad post. But also a little mad at the same time.

“Mr I” – the guy with whom I had many months build up only for it to kind of fizzle into an awesome friendship, recently dropped a bombshell. The “I like you” bombshell. Now obviously I kinda knew this a few months ago given our relationship at the time. But then when you meet up several times and are basically just hanging as friends with nothing physical and then don’t see each other for 6 weeks what’s a gal supposed to think? AND especially considering the last time I tried to bring up a conversation about where we were I got relentlessly mocked and made to feel like a total Muppet, I wasn’t prepared to go through with that again so…I just left it.

And then this gal got on with things. Having fun, dating etc. Hey we never said we were exclusive. Far from it. Heck we never said we were anything to be honest. Yet somehow the green-eyed monster has reared its evil little head when I started dating someone new. And not even dating as yet, a simple second date and you could smell the jealousy in the air.

And now I feel like the bad guy! And seriously – where was this declaration 2 months ago? You know – when I was crazy about him? Why now?

Despite many (many) conversations with Panda and other girlfriends, I still don’t have the answer. But I don’t know what to do. He says he doesn't know what he wants, he knows things weren't working out between us, but he still wants us to be more than friends.

Ugh! This is hard! Or maybe its not. Really you can’t force these things, and the bottom line is…I don’t feel that way any more. But I would hate to loose him from my life – just not at the price of his feelings.

If only he was honest about them. I have a feeling his downplaying this somewhat. But I can only take so much responsibility for someone else’s feelings.

I just hope it is a simple case of pettiness and after a couple of weeks he’ll realise hes being silly and we can go back to being mates. I hope that’s possible. Because as Harry and Sally once asked: “Can a man and woman ever be just friends?”

Am I in Love with Love?

Of course I am! I grew up on Disney Fairy Tales for crying out loud! Is that really such a bad thing?

Maybe love has been distorted. Perhaps it isn't what we believe it is. For instance, in marriage hundreds of years ago, its importance in a relationship was minimal compared to the importance of status and social climbing. Have Fairy Tales contorted the true essence of love? Do we put too much emphasis on the role of love in a relationship? Is love ever enough?

I love the idea of being in love, and have even enjoyed the feeling, but I don't think I believe that love is enough. I want the love- of course!- but I also feel the loyalty and commitment are seriously important qualities in a long-term relationship. And of course, love changes- it begins as passionate and all-consuming, and grows to become a respectful appreciation for the one your with. Then again, does love not encompass all of the above?

Is it okay to simply be in love with love? Can I just pretend that it is enough and hold onto that happy, gooey, juicy feeling where my heart feels like its floating? And if I subscribe to this, am I just setting myself up for heart-failure? A little love for the concept of love can't hurt, surely...