Feel the feelings

A year ago today was meant to be my Wedding Day. With the power of hindsight, I am so grateful it wasn't  But if I could whisk myself back 18months I would see a broken hearted and dishevelled girl sitting on my couch, with two boxes worth of snotty crumpled tissues around her and two years worth of memories on her laptop in front of her.

An Owl in a meringue...

I'm sure this sounds familiar to most. We've all been there in the heart of a breakup at least once. I'd like to think my situation was a little unique. Not only were we in a long distance relationship, but he was a "recovering" alcoholic and ex convict that I had supported emotionally (and financially) for the last 2 years. Jeesh you write it down like that and it suddenly sounds so awful.

But at the time, I was madly in love. And not only that, I was subject to my own worst flaw - always seeing and believing in the best in people. That didn't get me very far, but thankfully he showed his true colours before it became legal and he moved to my country, to my flat, to burden me and my loved ones with the rest of his problems for the rest of our lives.

Back to 18 months ago and me on my couch broken hearted. I could tell you "I didn't think it would ever get better" But that would be a lie. You see, I also believe in the strength of myself. And I refused to ever allow one pathetic excuse of a human being to decide the state of my mental health.

Because to be perfectly honest with you, it very nearly did. I had poured so much into that man. So much of my faith in humanity, of my belief in love, of my firm unchanging foundations of knowing someone can always change for the better....and had that torn up, spat on and destroyed in front of my eyes. Many many times over during the longest month of my life.

So there I was....the very soul of everything I had every believed in in tatters, and that could've been the end of it. I could've given up on love and trust and all of that right there. I don't think anyone would've blamed me. But I didn't. I refused to, My own pigheaded stubborness kicked in! That and my loved ones...

To this day I don't think I would've made it without them. My friends and family reminded me every single day exactly why my belief system is one of the goodness in humankind and of love.

At the time I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't know when it would stop hurting, or when I would be able to close my eyes and not see his face. I didn't know when the day would come when I wouldn't break down whilst washing dishes and I had no idea if I would even be able to love someone again for certain. But I knew it was coming....and that it couldn't be rushed.

It sounds so cliché but time is the biggest healer. But only when you accept what is happening. As I once told Panda, you have to "feel the feelings". Don't block them away, the quicker you accept them and work your way through them, the easier it will be.

Look at me. 1 year from the day I was supposed to marry that guy and I didn't even remember the significance of the date until 10:30 at night! I can't even picture his face or hear his voice properly any more.

I won't rehash all the clichéd advice. But I will repeat the piece of advice I can give to anyone.

Feel the feelings. 

That and never, EVER let anyone mess with your ability to love and care and cherish for another. Those things come from inside you...and if the ex wasn't smart enough to see those things in you, well, that's just all the more fortunate for the next isn't it?

Everyday Romance

Following on from Panda's post about Valentine's day being a chance for men to win some serious brownie points, I began thinking a little more about romance. And what really is romance?

Ok sure we've got the roses, the champagne, the fancy dinner etc etc. But these are things that anyone  who has seen a chick-flick and owns a credit card can do. For me romance is about those little every day things. More importantly than that it's about knowing the person you are being romantic with..

Sure the big gestures are always appreciated - don't get me wrong. But they will mean SO much more if you stop and think for a little bit about what she (or he) will really appreciate. What will show them that you have listened and paid attention to what they love and enjoy? There is no point committing to a 2hr foot massage if she is squeamish about having her feet touched is there? But remembering a throwaway comment from 6 month ago about that shower gel that reminds her of her Gran will win you more points than you know!

But it doesn't have to be big. The little things mean just as much - if not more because you can do these things every single day.

Walking past your significant others favourite bakery and picking up that shortbread biscuit she loves on the way home from work - just because. Does it drive your partner mad when you always leave your socks in the living room? Make a real effort to pick them up and put them in the hamper.

Seeing that they have had a tough day at work and even though it's their turn to cook, throwing dinner together (or at least phoning for her favourite pizza) whilst running her a bath. Has she been going on about seeing the new Ryan Gosling film even though you hate him? Leave tickets for that evenings show by the side of the bed for her to discover when she wakes up.

Get creative - does she love a certain TV show? Take her on a "themed" weekend away to the film sets (Game of Thrones is mainly filmed in Ireland for example) or on a smaller scale set up a "theme night" at home. If she loves "50 first dates" turn your living room into Hawaii with some paper leis, scented candles and BBQ style dinner whilst you watch the movie together.

If you have a skill or talent - utilise it. Sure not all men can play an instrument or compose poetry - but again get thinking. I once made a guy a website when we couldn't be together for valentines day. There was a playlist of songs embedded, a short video from me and silly things like picture from our favourite childhood movies. It was goofy and cheesy but I had a lot of fun making it and he loved it.

Ultimately it comes down to the amount of thought and effort put in. The most romantic things often cost very little apart from some serious brainstorming.

Oh and please let me not forget the obvious. Words. Honestly spoken words go further than anything else. Tell her thank you. All the time, for every little thing that you appreciate. Compliment her beauty. Genuinely tell her what you love and appreciate about her. Mix it up.

"I really admire the way you handled that really difficult customer at work. I know it's not always easy to keep your cool but you did and I'm really impressed"

"This dinner is delicious - I love your home cooking, thank you so much sweetie"

"You look stunning in that dress, it fits you beautifully"

"You are an amazingly talented musician. I could listen to you play guitar for hours"

Trust me when I say you shouldn't limit romance to valentines day. These little actions will not only make you feel good because you are doing something just for her, but you will start to notice more little things being done for you. Which will then probably increase what you do. Smiles for you, smiles for her, all round fuzzy feelings and the world being just that little bit better. Sure it seems like "effort" at first, but before you realise it they will become second nature to you.

And that's what TRUE Romance is.

PS. For real added points

Always always always wish her goodnight and good morning. Kiss her eyelids as she sleepily opens them, text her "Sweet dreams beautiful", call her to wish her a good day at work. Let her know you are the first thing you think about in the morning and last thing before sleep.

Valentines Day = Extra Brownie Points for Men Day

Panda is about to get very frank on y'all asses! This post is aimed at the guys- so take serious note, I'm about to impart some knowledge that will score you some seriously easy brownie points with your lady!

I'm talking about Valentines Day. Yep, Feb 14th is coming round, same as every year. I'm not going to lie to you- its all about women. This holiday was made for women to enjoy. Now, I know there is a substantial amount of people out there that don't "believe" in Valentines Day. I'd just like to point out that there is nothing to "believe" in. It exists. The End. Now that that's out of the way- What is the problem? Why would you NOT want to use this opportunity to show your lady how much you love and appreciate her? Why would you risk the possibility of disappointing her? So many men make a huge deal about celebrating Valentine's Day. If they could just put that same amount of energy into planning something nice, they would get so much more out of the experience.

I have been given so many reasons over the years as to why men DONT celebrate on Feb 14th. Below are some of the most popular ones I've heard. And for each ridiculous reason, I have a rebuttal. Read and Learn- fast!

I can show you that I love you any day of the year!

Rebuttal: But do you? Can you honestly say that you show your lady how much you love and appreciate her every single day? If you can then that's fantastic, making an effort on the 14th Feb will be just like any other day, right? If not, then why would you pass up the opportunity to make your lady feel special, wanted, adored?

It's just a way for retailers to make money!

Rebuttal: Who says you have to spend loads of money? It doesn't have to be a massive gesture. You don't have to take your partner away on holiday, or buy the most expensive gift Selfridges has in their window. Some additional, thoughtful effort is what we are looking for, and believe it or not, romance can be pretty cheap. If you're thrifty, a bottle of wine and a home cooked meal can be just as effective as an evening in a fancy restaurant. A lovely bottle of perfume and a night cuddled on the sofa can be just as appreciated as a new Alexa Mulberry bag with woven trim (hint?) The key word is here is EFFORT.

You just want to show off to your friends!

Rebuttal: Yes and no. Yes: we want to tell nice stories about our guy to our friends (it makes a change from us moaning about your annoying habits all the time). No: we don't want to show off. Some of our female friends don't have partners. We don't want to rub it in their faces that we had a lovely romantic Valentines Day! What kind of people do you think we are?

You said you didn't even like Valentines Day!

Rebuttal: We lied. (Its on similar lines as "No, nothing is wrong, I'm not mad" and "Its not you, its me") Somewhere along the line, women have learned to say this, in order to shield themselves from the embarrassment and disappointment of their partner not doing something nice for them on Feb 14th. We're lying. Regardless of whether we take the day very seriously, or whether we're not that bothered, no lady is going to say no to her partner making her feel special. Its that simple.

Score Easy Brownie Points

Here's a few ways to score some easy points with your lady.

• Check if your lady is running out of her favourite fragrance. We don't like to buy perfume, we like it to be bought for us. Plus, we will see the effort you have put in to getting something we like.

• Plan a romantic evening. Even if you're not THAT romantic (this makes even more of an impact!) Whether its recreating your first date, having a lovely evening together, you cooking / preparing / ordering a nice meal, rose petals on the bedspread with whipped cream and chocolate sauce... seriously, whatever floats your boat!

• Cheesy is still effective. We like chocolate. We appreciate flowers. What's difficult?

• Foot rubs and massages are always an easy way to make your lady feel special. Curl up on the sofa with your favourite movie and some nice snacks and get rubbing! Besides, rubbing tends to lead to other things... do you need more of a hint?

• If you can afford it, send your lady on a pamper day! Pay for a manicure, pedicure, massage, facial, hairstyling (all of the above) and have her meet you for dinner. You've spent so much on her, and she's happy and looks beautiful. And what do you get from a lady that is happy and feels beautiful? (Insert dirty memory here).What more could you want? 

• Buy your lady a toothbrush and some sexy underwear and give her a map. Have her  meet you at a lovely hotel and spend a romantic night together.

Seriously guys, don't miss an opportunity to score some serious brownie points! Why waste it? You know we respond well to effort and romance. If its really that painful for you to make this effort, grin and bare it. You know the rewards for it will be plentiful. You know this. So suck it up, take one for the team and do something nice for your lady. If you pull it off, it will be reciprocated. Trust me.

If you want some other ideas on lovely date ideas, just ask! We're here to offer advice- for the sake of men and women everywhere!

Am I a Commitment-Phobe?

So, I'm dating. It's the Summer of '12. It's my second date with this guy, who happens to be the first guy I have met online. The first time we meet up he seems interesting, but when I see him walking towards me for our second date, I immediately know that I don't want to see him for a third.

But I'm a good sport, I look pretty and we were having sushi, so I continue the date. He seems cool, and I think to myself (if he is up for it) we could possibly be friends later. Towards the end of the date, we're laying on some grass, taking in the scenery and sun, and I explain to him that I often go into a "me me me" zone, and I like to have guys as friends. He gets the message, he's picking up my vibe. But what he says next throws me a bit. "Are you some kind of commitment-phobe?"

Well, I had never honestly thought about it. Immediately, all my defences are up. I want to say "nope, I just don't like YOU." But I'm not usually that evil (without provocation). However, his words have struck a nerve. Am I afraid of commitment?

I have seen this in myself, ever since I started dating. My last long-term relationship was 4 years long. And that was a long 4 years, let me tell you. I worked hard on that relationship, and I didn't leave it until I knew for certain that the end was in fact the end. I have never been afraid of committing to a relationship. So why was this coming up now?

If only I could meet him...

Thinking more deeply about it all, I can see a pattern. Since that relationship, any time I've gotten close to being anywhere near a relationship, I've freaked out. Maybe not always out loud, but I've definitely felt it. My heart quickens, my mind starts racing and I am unable to function for at least a few minutes (sometimes hours). I'm thinking "what if I want to be with other people?" "what if this person isn't the one for me?" "How can I get out of this?" "What if I actually get to meet Leonardo DiCaprio in real life?" "What if there is someone else out there who is better for me?" "What if this feeling isn't real?" "Am I forcing this?" "Do I feel love?"

I've run from most relationships for the last two years, and the 2 or 3 guys I genuinely liked have either not reciprocated or have been complete twats. So what does this mean? Am I attracted to relationships that wont work?

I know a lot of this is just panic. I think about my 4 year relationship with DW. I was never afraid of being with someone long term. But I look back at it and I wonder what type of person I would become had I stayed with him. What if I'd been in that relationship for 10 years? 20 years? The thought frightens me. I'll tell you, I would be a sad woman, someone with little esteem and even less understanding of me. I would have remained in my own shadow.

I have grown and become so much more in the last 2 years, not only recovering some of my long-lost confidence but also a sense of self that I didn't even know existed. I think my fear springs from me loosing myself again and ending up with someone who isn't quite right for me. You've seen my list (if not, check that blogpost here). I want A LOT from a guy and from a relationship, but I also understand that you cant always have every single thing you want. But what if I settle and its just not-quite-right? Am I still the girl who will settle for what she has and work tirelessly to make it work? Will I be able to see the signs of it not working, and call it quits before it goes too far?

Commitment-Phobe? Hell yeah, I'm bloody terrified! This is the rest of my life, I have to make good decisions! But I'm also scared of missing out on some great experiences with an amazing person, just because I am afraid. So I continue to date, I continue to meet new people, try new things and see what is out there. In spite of everything I have just said, I know, deep down, I'm more afraid of not experiencing the love I know I want and deserve than I am of committing to it.

"I wanna go through the tunnel to the other side!"

Sex is not love

Whether you learn it the hard way (like I did) or you've read it somewhere early and took note, it's important for us women to realise that sex is not the same as love.

I read somewhere once that women have been genetically programmed to become "attached" to the man they sleep with, whereas men are programmed to "sow their seed" with as many women as possible. Given the things I've seen my friends go through over the last year or so, this makes some sense. Could it be that we women are genetically programmed to love the person we are sleeping with?

I'm no stranger to the concept of a "friend with benefits" and although I can say that I have not been in love with said "friend", I have felt loving feelings towards them after sex. Like many women I know, I yearn for intimacy both during and after sex, and I feel quite daunted and uneasy if the guy just rolls over and sleeps, or leaves in a hurry. Is this the "attachment" or "loving feeling" I've read about?

Like I said, I learned that sex was not love the hard way. And in realising this, I want to share it with every female I come into contact with. It means I do not love every man I sleep with, no matter what the overspill of emotions tells me. And it also means that "giving it up" will not necessarily result in the guy falling in love with me.

I'm not saying that men won't love a woman after having slept with them. I know of a friend of a friend of a friend who slept with a guy on the night they met and they are now happily married. What I mean is that just because sex has happened does not mean the guy will begin to have feelings for the woman.

Through discussions with many of my female friends, and through my own experiences, we have found that men have had more respect and love for women the more quality time they spend together. This is more than sex. I'm referring to fun activities, deep conversations, long walks, dinner dates, funfair and theme park trips. Guys have shown their levels of love through spending quality time, not just through sex.

I would love it if I could preach this to every woman I meet who didn't already know it. I feel like it's the Holy Grail of relationships- a forgotten truth that all women must know, to understand their biological make up and have more meaningful relationships.

Not to say the non-meaningful, short-lived, "can't get enough" sexual relationships can't be enjoyable. After all, who doesn't like a bit of meaningless animal sex?

Am I in Love with Love?

Of course I am! I grew up on Disney Fairy Tales for crying out loud! Is that really such a bad thing?

Maybe love has been distorted. Perhaps it isn't what we believe it is. For instance, in marriage hundreds of years ago, its importance in a relationship was minimal compared to the importance of status and social climbing. Have Fairy Tales contorted the true essence of love? Do we put too much emphasis on the role of love in a relationship? Is love ever enough?

I love the idea of being in love, and have even enjoyed the feeling, but I don't think I believe that love is enough. I want the love- of course!- but I also feel the loyalty and commitment are seriously important qualities in a long-term relationship. And of course, love changes- it begins as passionate and all-consuming, and grows to become a respectful appreciation for the one your with. Then again, does love not encompass all of the above?

Is it okay to simply be in love with love? Can I just pretend that it is enough and hold onto that happy, gooey, juicy feeling where my heart feels like its floating? And if I subscribe to this, am I just setting myself up for heart-failure? A little love for the concept of love can't hurt, surely...