Feel the feelings

A year ago today was meant to be my Wedding Day. With the power of hindsight, I am so grateful it wasn't  But if I could whisk myself back 18months I would see a broken hearted and dishevelled girl sitting on my couch, with two boxes worth of snotty crumpled tissues around her and two years worth of memories on her laptop in front of her.

An Owl in a meringue...

I'm sure this sounds familiar to most. We've all been there in the heart of a breakup at least once. I'd like to think my situation was a little unique. Not only were we in a long distance relationship, but he was a "recovering" alcoholic and ex convict that I had supported emotionally (and financially) for the last 2 years. Jeesh you write it down like that and it suddenly sounds so awful.

But at the time, I was madly in love. And not only that, I was subject to my own worst flaw - always seeing and believing in the best in people. That didn't get me very far, but thankfully he showed his true colours before it became legal and he moved to my country, to my flat, to burden me and my loved ones with the rest of his problems for the rest of our lives.

Back to 18 months ago and me on my couch broken hearted. I could tell you "I didn't think it would ever get better" But that would be a lie. You see, I also believe in the strength of myself. And I refused to ever allow one pathetic excuse of a human being to decide the state of my mental health.

Because to be perfectly honest with you, it very nearly did. I had poured so much into that man. So much of my faith in humanity, of my belief in love, of my firm unchanging foundations of knowing someone can always change for the better....and had that torn up, spat on and destroyed in front of my eyes. Many many times over during the longest month of my life.

So there I was....the very soul of everything I had every believed in in tatters, and that could've been the end of it. I could've given up on love and trust and all of that right there. I don't think anyone would've blamed me. But I didn't. I refused to, My own pigheaded stubborness kicked in! That and my loved ones...

To this day I don't think I would've made it without them. My friends and family reminded me every single day exactly why my belief system is one of the goodness in humankind and of love.

At the time I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't know when it would stop hurting, or when I would be able to close my eyes and not see his face. I didn't know when the day would come when I wouldn't break down whilst washing dishes and I had no idea if I would even be able to love someone again for certain. But I knew it was coming....and that it couldn't be rushed.

It sounds so cliché but time is the biggest healer. But only when you accept what is happening. As I once told Panda, you have to "feel the feelings". Don't block them away, the quicker you accept them and work your way through them, the easier it will be.

Look at me. 1 year from the day I was supposed to marry that guy and I didn't even remember the significance of the date until 10:30 at night! I can't even picture his face or hear his voice properly any more.

I won't rehash all the clichéd advice. But I will repeat the piece of advice I can give to anyone.

Feel the feelings. 

That and never, EVER let anyone mess with your ability to love and care and cherish for another. Those things come from inside you...and if the ex wasn't smart enough to see those things in you, well, that's just all the more fortunate for the next isn't it?

Bohemian Boy (Dating history tales)

Dating history tales

Sometimes you just need to hear about the sad, wonderful, inspiring and often downright WEIRD dating experiences of others. This series of blog posts will recount a tale from our pasts - purely for your own amusement. Enjoy and feel free to read more here.

I was "sort of" dating this boy who was not my normal taste but a much needed 'palate cleanser'. He was my polar opposite in every way but that made it all the more interesting. I drew the line at this one though:

First time staying at his new place, I knew it would be sparse as he had only been there a week. However I did not expect the sleeping arrangements. Floor, duvet, 1 pillow -  no covers.

This would've been luxury!

Let's just take the time to think about this for a second. 1 pillow - between 2 for a girl who's used to sleeping  with 4 in various combinations. and 1 duvet to be both base and covers...just not gonna work!

But I put my 'big girl panties' on and made the best of it. "I can do this for a night - it could be fun!" (It wasn't)

It was even less fun the next two times I stayed over, including once after I had just worked an event all weekend and just wanted a bath and feather bed, and once when he was ill meaning neither of us got any sleep.

I mentioned it - several times. He honestly didn't see the issue. It was "bohemian" he said and even had the nerve to mockingly call me "Princess" (for wanting a bed? A hells yeah then I'm a Princess!)

Needless to say I stood by my guns when I said "Get a bed or I'm not staying here again"

Attachment and taking risks

I get attached quite easily. It's not that I'm needy or co-dependent. I just think life's too short to not love what you love.

Of course this can be a bad thing. I made sure when I first got back into dating that I had a bit of a barrier up. There was no way I could allow myself to become attached to every guy I went on a date with or slept with - it would've been a recipe for heartache.

This is never an attractive look...

I wish I could tell you how exactly I did this. Partly it was just telling myself "I will not get attached". When asked 'Do you like him' I would always respond "Too early to tell" and distract myself with a task to try and not over think it.

However, as soon as you admit to yourself you like someone, that barrier comes down. And the vulnerability comes flooding in. Suddenly this person has the potential to affect your emotions on a deeper level. And it is SCARY!

I'm not ashamed to admit that I am a romantic. I love the feeling of being in love, I love the butterflies of excitement when you first meet someone and realise there is a connection. I do wear my heart on my sleeve a little bit in this respect and I often wonder if this is a good thing.

Take my current situation. I know I like him. A lot. We just spent 5 lovely days together. I was very happy. Although I love my independence, I operate better around other people. The more I like a person, the happier I am just being in their presence  I can quite happily have friends round and we all sit on our laptops working on projects of blogs or whatever and I will be very content. Same with a partner, I don't mind if we each have stuff to do. One of us doing housework, one of us pottering away on the computer. Or even if maybe he has something that needs doing - it gives me a chance to catch up on some reading or that girlie TV show that he hates (*cough cough* '2 Broke Girls' anyone?) I just enjoy being in that special persons company.

However I do catch myself worrying that I might be alone in this thought. I often worry about being clingy or "too" attached. Please note - I do not mean co-dependent. I know that as much as I care about someone, I strive to not allow one person to be the be all and end all of my life. I am fortunate to have a large amount of awesome people in my life and I have seen first hand in friends the danger of shutting yourself off and living in an isolated bubble with your partner. Even more so if you're actually in that bubble alone and they have no idea!

But I guess what I'm trying to say, is that this bit here in a relationship is the scariest bit for me. We're deeper than the "This is new and exciting and squeeing when I get a text and planning the perfect outfit for our next date" but not at the "We are in a committed relationship - we know where we're each at and it's comfortable". This stage of liking him, but always second guessing myself with how much he likes me, and if my actions are potentially going to scare him off. (Or if I don't my crazy family and psycho friends might!)

I'm sure I'm being silly, and this is predominantly all in my mind. As yet he has shown no signs of loosing interest and seems just as happy as I am. I hope! This is logic and evidence talking. But I can't shake this little dark thought that keeps tugging at the corner of my mind.

I guess I'm just scared. I would like to think that I don't let the past affect me too much. I start each new venture with lessons learned and a clean slate. But I guess my last break up got to me more than I realised. I was in a happy committed engagement, planning a whole life together, and it ended. Just like that. Out of nowhere - with no explanation or reason as to why. And if I want to be really honest, I'm scared of that happening again if I get too attached.


But what's the alternative? Never like someone again? Never fall in love again? No. That's not an option for Owl. I just have to face the fear.

Throw myself out of the plane with blind faith that the parachute will open.

After all....what is life for if not for taking risks?

PS. Two days after writing this post, I just found this very interesting article. That's me all over (except maybe the playing games part) It feels very reassuring to know I am not the only person who feels like this in relationships. And I agree - big big advocator of sharing your feelings and telling your partner what you need. They are not mind readers after all! 

Would you invite your ex to your wedding?

Will Brad be at Jennifer's Wedding?

Panda phoned Owl in such a rush the other night, she didn't even say the obligatory "Hi, how are you?"


P: "Did you know Jennifer Aniston is engaged?!"

O: "What? What is this? What do you mean? What the? WHAT?"

P: "I KNOW!!! Who even knew! I'm reading an article and it looks like her husband to be- Justin Theroux- has invited Brad and Angelina!" (quick search on IMDB to see who Justin Theroux is).


Queue discussion point- would ex's be invited to YOUR wedding?


Owl thinks...
Ex's at my Wedding? HELLS NO! And that goes for both sides. I'm not one for double standards.

It's just too weird. You think being friends with an ex is weird - have them celebrate the first day of the rest of your life with someone else. How can that not be weird?

I think How I Met Your Mother said it best - there are too many opportunities for old feelings to get brought up. Obviously you would hope that if you're marrying someone you are not going to ditch them at the alter for your ex. But what about other feelings? Jealousy? Anger? Lust? "What if's?" about the one that didn't work out?

What if you and that ex had considered marriage? Possibly even BEEN engaged? C'mon you're telling me THAT'S not weird?

Remember I am talking as someone that almost got married. My ex asked me about inviting his ex (the crazy psycho one) I think the look in my eyes said a lot more a lot quicker than my mouth did because he very quickly back-pedalled.

I think this is an easier issue for guys to deal with than girls. Look at Jen - it's her hubby to be that is wanting to invite Brangelina. I think men - once they've got a ring on your finger, feel a lot more secure. Maybe its that whole "owning/she's my property" thing. (Feminists please put down your pickaxes. It's a theory - not fact and I'm not saying I agree or like it).

Whereas for us girls it's our wedding day. We are the centre of attention, and for that one day we'd like to pretend that we are the only girl he has ever loved or even thought about. Pretty hard to do that with the ex smiling (or glaring) up at you from the 4th row isn't it?

It's just an added stress that no bride should have to deal with on such an important day. Your wedding day is about the two of you, and your love, and on this day yours is the only love that ever has been and ever will be.

Owl the romantic? Naaah.....

PS. My only amendment to this rule, is if said ex is an important and regular part of your social circle, and you probably already hang out with her as a friend already. And if this is the case it's probably unlikely they were very much serious in the first place.


Panda thinks...
... that it totally depends. It's interesting, I actually have a decent relationship with most of my ex's- some of them I talk to quite often, others it's a passing comment on Facebook. I can think of 2, maybe even 3 that I might consider inviting to my wedding. Some of them have been a part of my life for over a decade, how could I not invite them? Of course, I'd have to take into consideration the feelings of my hubby-to-be (apparently it would be his wedding too).

However, flip the coin- would I feel comfortable with my fiancé inviting HIS ex's? It's a double standard, but I don't know how content I would be. It would really depend upon his relationship with them, and his intentions on inviting them. I couldn't have any old skank turning up. What if they still had a flame burning? Would they try to sabotage my big day? Do I want to see the Love of my Life's past as we take our first step into our future?

Should old girlfriends be invited to the same events as new girlfriends? Ex's, new partners and weddings, perhaps they shouldn't mix. And if they are not close friends, or mutual friends, perhaps the past needs to stay in the past...

Overall, it seems to be a touchy area, and every single person will have their own views. I wonder what the guys think...

We know its a tricky situation Jen, hang in there, we're trying to work it out!

What's your take on the subject? Would you invite your ex? How would you feel if your fiancé asked about inviting their ex?

Tweet to @GrabaSpoon

Read the article that sparked our conversation here.
Find out who Justin Theroux is here.