What do men want?

I was recently reading an interesting article called "Expert: Guys don't want casual sex!", an extremely interesting article, looking at our misconceptions about men wanting to be "Casanovas". It highlights that men's views on relationships are actually similar to women, in that they want to be in monogamous, meaningful relationships.

Charlie in "Two and a Half Men"

"In mainstream media we’ve had all of this stuff on TV since the 1970s that really promotes this idea of promiscuous young men. The history, as far as I can tell, really starts with Fonzie on “Happy Days” and “Hawkeye” Pierce on “M*A*S*H.” And it continues with guys like Sam Malone on “Cheers” and Charlie Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men” and Barney on “How I Met Your Mother.” For several years now we’ve had so-called good guys who were also promiscuous. If you looked at TV and movies from the ’50s and ’60s, the promiscuous guys were always very clearly the bad example." 

~ Andrew P. Smiley

Author of "Challenging Casanova, Beyond the Stereotype of the Promiscuous Young Male."

Ross and Rachel 

Television certainly has a lot to answer for when it comes to our views around how relationships work. Who hasn't listened to a friend crying down the phone about their latest spat with their partner, and thought "you know what? This reminds of Ross and Rachel..." I guess we could sit here and blame the media for everything, although it may not make much of a difference. Our ongoing perceptions around how men and women relate to one another is the key here. Could it be that we mistake men for sex-crazed maniacs, only wanting to get into our knickers? Could it be that there is an ulterior motive, other than sex?

When I think over my own past relationships- looking at my boyfriends and male friends alike- I can only think of one example of a guy who was in it, all the time, just for the sex. In fact, this isn't even true, because even though he wanted to sleep with every woman that walked past him, he still craved the security and love of a real relationship. Even those men who said to me "I don't want a girlfriend" still appeared to want the closeness and companionship that comes with "being involved."

The stereotyped view that men just want to **** about may also have had an effect on women's behaviour. Is it possible that women's promiscuity has risen because of the view that men want to be in purely sexual relationships? Do we believe that being more sexually available will attract a man into commitment? Come on, I know some of us have, and if not, we certainly know someone that's testing this theory as we speak.

Its easy to label men in this way. But should the alternative be true, then there is a good chance for all us single ladies out here. If men also want relationships, then we have nothing to fear when broaching the subject with them. Perhaps not necessarily on a first date, but certainly once we have gotten to know the guy and decide we want some sort of future with him. Should we have to worry about having that "where is this going?" conversation, if the guy is feeling the same way? Is it possible that he is telling the truth- that he is also looking for love and companionship? Perhaps its the way we approach the question that frightens men. After reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" By Jon Gray and "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man" By Steve Harvey, it became apparent to me that saying words such as "we need to talk" is tantamount to telling a man his penis is about to fall off. Perhaps having the discussion in a non-cliche'd way could help this matter. I don't know, I'm just pondering (please feel free to get back to me with new ways to say this!)

"Where is this going?" conversation- 
not always easy, but perhaps he wants to have it too 

Lets face it, believing that all men are sex-driven swine is getting us no-where. Perhaps acknowledging that men have needs similar to our own may go a long way towards developing meaningful relationships in the long term.

Just a thought.

Have a read of Tracy Clark-Flory's article here. You can also purchase the book that inspired the article here (author Andrew P. Smiler).

Also have a look at "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" here, and "Act like a Lady, Think like a man" here.

Would you invite your ex to your wedding?

Will Brad be at Jennifer's Wedding?

Panda phoned Owl in such a rush the other night, she didn't even say the obligatory "Hi, how are you?"


P: "Did you know Jennifer Aniston is engaged?!"

O: "What? What is this? What do you mean? What the? WHAT?"

P: "I KNOW!!! Who even knew! I'm reading an article and it looks like her husband to be- Justin Theroux- has invited Brad and Angelina!" (quick search on IMDB to see who Justin Theroux is).


Queue discussion point- would ex's be invited to YOUR wedding?


Owl thinks...
Ex's at my Wedding? HELLS NO! And that goes for both sides. I'm not one for double standards.

It's just too weird. You think being friends with an ex is weird - have them celebrate the first day of the rest of your life with someone else. How can that not be weird?

I think How I Met Your Mother said it best - there are too many opportunities for old feelings to get brought up. Obviously you would hope that if you're marrying someone you are not going to ditch them at the alter for your ex. But what about other feelings? Jealousy? Anger? Lust? "What if's?" about the one that didn't work out?

What if you and that ex had considered marriage? Possibly even BEEN engaged? C'mon you're telling me THAT'S not weird?

Remember I am talking as someone that almost got married. My ex asked me about inviting his ex (the crazy psycho one) I think the look in my eyes said a lot more a lot quicker than my mouth did because he very quickly back-pedalled.

I think this is an easier issue for guys to deal with than girls. Look at Jen - it's her hubby to be that is wanting to invite Brangelina. I think men - once they've got a ring on your finger, feel a lot more secure. Maybe its that whole "owning/she's my property" thing. (Feminists please put down your pickaxes. It's a theory - not fact and I'm not saying I agree or like it).

Whereas for us girls it's our wedding day. We are the centre of attention, and for that one day we'd like to pretend that we are the only girl he has ever loved or even thought about. Pretty hard to do that with the ex smiling (or glaring) up at you from the 4th row isn't it?

It's just an added stress that no bride should have to deal with on such an important day. Your wedding day is about the two of you, and your love, and on this day yours is the only love that ever has been and ever will be.

Owl the romantic? Naaah.....

PS. My only amendment to this rule, is if said ex is an important and regular part of your social circle, and you probably already hang out with her as a friend already. And if this is the case it's probably unlikely they were very much serious in the first place.


Panda thinks...
... that it totally depends. It's interesting, I actually have a decent relationship with most of my ex's- some of them I talk to quite often, others it's a passing comment on Facebook. I can think of 2, maybe even 3 that I might consider inviting to my wedding. Some of them have been a part of my life for over a decade, how could I not invite them? Of course, I'd have to take into consideration the feelings of my hubby-to-be (apparently it would be his wedding too).

However, flip the coin- would I feel comfortable with my fiancé inviting HIS ex's? It's a double standard, but I don't know how content I would be. It would really depend upon his relationship with them, and his intentions on inviting them. I couldn't have any old skank turning up. What if they still had a flame burning? Would they try to sabotage my big day? Do I want to see the Love of my Life's past as we take our first step into our future?

Should old girlfriends be invited to the same events as new girlfriends? Ex's, new partners and weddings, perhaps they shouldn't mix. And if they are not close friends, or mutual friends, perhaps the past needs to stay in the past...

Overall, it seems to be a touchy area, and every single person will have their own views. I wonder what the guys think...

We know its a tricky situation Jen, hang in there, we're trying to work it out!

What's your take on the subject? Would you invite your ex? How would you feel if your fiancé asked about inviting their ex?

Tweet to @GrabaSpoon

Read the article that sparked our conversation here.
Find out who Justin Theroux is here.

The Hunger Games

Straight off the back, if you have not read The Hunger Games trilogy, or if you are going to read them and do not want them spoiled, then DO NOT read this blogpost! Owl and Panda absolutely ADORE the books, and will be unable to contain themselves throughout this post!

Read them IMMEDIATELY- get them on Amazon HERE

We want to talk about Peeta. And Gale. And Katniss. Oh Gale and Peeta. They love Katniss so much.

One thing that struck us was how much we felt we could relate to Katniss' feelings towards both of them. Both representing safety, security, and undying love, Gale through rebellion and passion, Peeta through kind support and ultimate acceptance. But who would you have chosen in the end? Certainly Katniss barely had time to concentrate on her feelings for either in too much depth, what with her trying to protect her sister, stay alive and eventually leading a rebellion and all. But in key moments throughout the series, we see Katniss' confusion over her feelings for both men. She could identify that she loved them both dearly. But, in the very end, who did she really want to be with?

Panda was gripped the entire time, not quite knowing for sure who Katniss would choose (if any). Surely she would choose Gale, she's known him for so long and has so many shared experiences with him. And with Peeta's psychological change in the third book (we mentioned spoilers, right? Oh yeah, good) it was unclear whether he could ever love her the way he once did. Owl was more perceptive, and saw it coming. Peeta represented a type of safety in a way that Katniss could not give herself. Yes, Gale could hunt, and fight, and be as firery as her, but what Katniss needed in the end was the man who could complete her, to compliment her and give her the security that she so desperately craved. 

And is this not what we want from our own partners in life? The guy that completes us? Yes, we want someone to share our likes and interests. But don't we also want the guy who can give us what we cannot give ourselves?

In the Panda family, the women are loud and chatty (and then loud and chatty some more). Daddy Panda, on the other hand, is the quiet, retiring type. He only talks when it is necessary (sometimes not even then). Perhaps that's what Mummy Panda needed in a mate- someone who will be the calm one, the listener, the think-then-act person, to compliment her sprightly and spontaneous nature.

In life, we are often attracted to those who bring out a different side of us, that challenge us in some way or another. It's natural, it's what helps us to grow and develop. If we were always around people who were exactly the same as us all of the time, how would that benefit us? Is it not instinctive to consciously or subconsciously look for things in a partner that we do not have ourselves, to compliment our better half and complete that other side?

Yes, Owl, the romantic, saw this plot end coming. Peeta was perfect for Katniss. Ultimately Owl pondered, we don't want a mirror image of ourselves. We want someone whose strengths balance our own - to make us stronger as a couple, and surely only Peeta would be the one she could choose? He soothed her character. She didn't clash with him in the same way she clashed with Gale, because she and Gale were too much alike. Maybe it's a lesson for us all not to get too hung up on finding a partner who is just like us, but to accept what our mate has to bring to the table, and to complement each other, making us both stronger for it. 

On meeting the parents

Ahh meeting the family - a terrifying situation for even the bravest of us! The worries and questions that go through our minds, all boiling down to one question "Will I make a good impression - will they like me?"

Because ultimately thats what we all want isnt it? We really like someone, we see it having potential to go somewhere, and there is nothing worse than the potential future "one day" in-laws not liking you and making a relationship difficult.

I've been in both camps. One boyfriend's mother welcomed me in with wide warm arms (literally) and then cried when I saw them for the last time when I picked up my stuff. By contrast one boyfriends mother would barely allow me through the front door, let alone upstairs.

The last one - the very nearly "mother in law" I never quite figured out 100% I worked hard to make a good impression and show her how much I cared for my then partner. She always said what she thought, so even though sometimes she was brutally honest, when she said she cared about me and loved me I believed her. I think it was actually quite difficult for her when it ended....it was for me too. I missed her. 

So having been through a number of relationships with varying degrees of closeness to the mothers, I was really nervous this time. I "quite" like ELB and I really didn't want to mess it up early on by not making a good impression. I worried for the best part of a week over my outfit, went to three different shops on the way to buy a bottle of fizz as recommended by ELB and then stressed out when my well planned hair-do got messed up through *cough cough* "extra curricular activities" before I'd even met them.

I needn't have worried. The answer is simple - just be yourself. How many people have heard their partners tell them this "Just be yourself and they'll love you as much as I do". Your partner likes you for a reason, hopefully a number of reasons, and chances are his family is fairly similar to him and so should like you too. Lets be brutally honest here - if he really thought you wern't going to get on, he wouldn't be bringing you home.

Even so here are my top tips for making it go as smoothly as possible:

• Dress modestly, but still be YOU. I went for a sweater dress that is maybe a *tad* shorter than generally acceptable for meeting parents but I had inch thick tights and practical knee high boots that made the outfit very "me" but still respectable. Also make sure its seasonally appropriate  That floaty maxi dress might be appropriate but you will just look silly wearing that in November! 
• Bring a gift if appropriate  Even something small will make a good impression. I was meeting them all on brothers birthday so I brought a bottle of fizz. That ELB then embarrassed me about  as he kept mentioning it every 10 minutes. Bless him :)
• Watch your language. I have an awful habit of swearing like a sailor no matter the company I keep so I consciously thought about everything before I said it. I'm sure over time the less offensive words in correct context wouldn't be so bad if its part of you, but on the first meeting you want to appear as ladylike as possible!
• Talk about subjects you care about - if you enjoy your job, tell them why. Loving a TV show or book at the moment - ask if they've seen or read it. Be engaging, ask questions about them. Remember the idea here is to get to know each other better. 
• Let them see you care about their son. A hand hold, sneaky peck on the cheek, smiling at him and complimenting him all show how much you care about him. HOWEVER - gushy smushy OTT PDA's and you will gross out the family - so be classy about it. 
• If they subject you to a "lie detector test" it's probably time to leave....

Do you have any "Meet the Parents" success tales? What about any horror stories? Tweet to @GrabaSpoon

Am I in Love with Love?

Of course I am! I grew up on Disney Fairy Tales for crying out loud! Is that really such a bad thing?

Maybe love has been distorted. Perhaps it isn't what we believe it is. For instance, in marriage hundreds of years ago, its importance in a relationship was minimal compared to the importance of status and social climbing. Have Fairy Tales contorted the true essence of love? Do we put too much emphasis on the role of love in a relationship? Is love ever enough?

I love the idea of being in love, and have even enjoyed the feeling, but I don't think I believe that love is enough. I want the love- of course!- but I also feel the loyalty and commitment are seriously important qualities in a long-term relationship. And of course, love changes- it begins as passionate and all-consuming, and grows to become a respectful appreciation for the one your with. Then again, does love not encompass all of the above?

Is it okay to simply be in love with love? Can I just pretend that it is enough and hold onto that happy, gooey, juicy feeling where my heart feels like its floating? And if I subscribe to this, am I just setting myself up for heart-failure? A little love for the concept of love can't hurt, surely...