Chemistry is right, but what about the rest?

The more I meet people, the more I realise that having the right chemistry with someone is important.Two people need to have an unspoken connection between them for their relationship to work. But what about when only the chemistry is right? What happens when its the stuff surrounding the chemistry that causes problems?

Getting to know you...

A couple of days ago I was out with some friends, and got talking to a friend of a friend (you know how it goes). I think it started when I quoted a film quote (to be honest I'm still pretty proud of the reference!) and he got it immediately. A great spark was lit. It was great, we found out that we liked the same books, we enjoyed the same movies, we even had the same sense of humour (you guys know me well enough now to know that this is top of my list!) Even some of my friends commented on the energy between us.

There's just one teeny detail that could potentially get in the way. His wife.

Who would get on with this?

Now, I just want to make clear that other than chatting, nothing happened at all. As it stands, I draw a thick, red, poisonous line when it comes to wrecking someone's marriage. But we got on so well, so instantly, it was scary. 

This phenomenon has been happening a lot for me recently. I reconnected with a friend on Facebook (again, from a previous work role) who I get on with like a house on fire (btw I've never understood that phrase... no one gets on with a beloved burning home). We went to dinner and to the cinema, just as friends, and had a great time. Again, our tastes were similar, and the humour was on par. Unfortunately I'm just not attracted to him. Not even slightly.

It leads me to consider the opposite- what about relationships when everything is right except the chemistry? It isn't usually easy for me to find the right connection with a guy. Many of the men I've dated over the past 2 years haven't quite had what I was looking for, and yet, I have tried to compromise anyway, because they're "a nice guy". Each and every one of these relationships has died a rapid, sinking death. Clearly for me, chemistry is supremely important.

The universe has been playing some divine tricks on me recently when it comes to dating. Great guy, no chemistry. Great chemistry, married. What the heck?! This is probably some sort of message, or part of a greater plan of some kind. What I have surmised so far is that perhaps I need to be a teeny bit more specific about what I'm looking for in a man. Like, can I have chemistry and be attracted to the guy too? Oh, and also (if its not too much trouble) can this guy be SINGLE and AVAILABLE (although you'd think this would be a given!)

A question about Online Daring Etiquette...

Just a quick one guys. It's all about online dating.

I'm not brand new to the activity, and I know how to sift through the horny and the hungry. I read men's approaches and decide whether they are worth messaging back, based on their profiles and pictures (sorry, I'm not going to pretend that looks don't matter!) Of course, I try to be outgoing as well, so I have made the first contact with guys I thought had a decent profiles and / or were cute.

So, I made contact with a guy who met both the criteria points, responding to some personal information on his profile to start a dialogue. It was about a day before he replied:

"Hi... Glad you liked my profile and you sound lovely. But you're not really my type of girl. Good luck finding someone! Take care."

Hmmm.

Now, rejection of any kind is never easy to swallow. I appreciate that he was polite, honest and direct. But that made no difference. I was offended. I know I shouldn't have been offended... Or at least that didn't appear to be his intention. But it felt crappy, really crappy.

So, what's the general feeling around Online Dating etiquette? Is it better to ignore the person you're not attracted to or interested in, or send them a psuedo-polite message of rejection?

(Can you tell what side I'm on?)

Self-Appreciation: Panda's Journey

I'm not always the most self-assured single girl in this jungle we call London. I'm not going to pretend to be one of those "I'm always positive!" bloggers. Because it just isn't true. I'm not always sure of what I'm doing, or where I'm going. I'm not always confident. And I have insecurities, just like everyone else on the planet... What was my point? 

The other day I was reading a post by Lea Rice on The High Tea Cast Blog, and it helped me to put some things into perspective. It's funny, after my 4 year relationship with DW finally crumbled, it took me years to work out what I was doing wrong (I am not negating all the messed up things he did at all, but it has always been important to me to take responsibility for my own behaviours). I had spent most of the relationship focusing on his needs, putting them well before (and a lot of the time instead of) my own. It's still not the time to discuss the difficulties of my relationship with DW. But it is time to talk about the journey I started, post-break-up. 

I've learned that putting myself first is so important. It took me a long time to realise exactly what this meant, and how to do it. It's been such a personal and individual journey that I can't even explain it in words. I guess everyone has to go on their own journey to understand what this means. 

I've struggled with the notion that "loving yourself" is a conceited and selfish act (character traits I learned to loath as a child, although even now I can't pinpoint why I feel this way). Yet, through self-discovery and allowing myself to just be single, I've realised that it is so important to put my own needs first (without, of course, hurting someone else in the process, where possible). 

I guess what I'm struggling with at the moment is really feeling comfortable being single in my own skin. It's natural to want some company, and to feel loved. However, to want this before learning to appreciate yourself can be extremely dangerous. What can you offer a partner if you don't even appreciate yourself? Wanting to be with someone is nothing if not human nature, but when it's at the expense of your own self-worth and esteem then it just wont give you the satisfaction you crave. For me, its always been important to know that someone loves me and cares about me constantly and consistently. Then I recently realised, who on this planet is really able to give me absolute and unconditional love, apart from me?

This journey is just really beginning for me. I don't have all my own answers, and although I have some understanding, I still feel the pang of being single. However, I know that there is more I need to achieve in this time I have to myself. Once I have, I know I will be truly comfortable in my own space, and being single wont feel so difficult any more.

You can read Lea Rice's blogpost here- really good read.

Am I a Commitment-Phobe?

So, I'm dating. It's the Summer of '12. It's my second date with this guy, who happens to be the first guy I have met online. The first time we meet up he seems interesting, but when I see him walking towards me for our second date, I immediately know that I don't want to see him for a third.

But I'm a good sport, I look pretty and we were having sushi, so I continue the date. He seems cool, and I think to myself (if he is up for it) we could possibly be friends later. Towards the end of the date, we're laying on some grass, taking in the scenery and sun, and I explain to him that I often go into a "me me me" zone, and I like to have guys as friends. He gets the message, he's picking up my vibe. But what he says next throws me a bit. "Are you some kind of commitment-phobe?"

Well, I had never honestly thought about it. Immediately, all my defences are up. I want to say "nope, I just don't like YOU." But I'm not usually that evil (without provocation). However, his words have struck a nerve. Am I afraid of commitment?

I have seen this in myself, ever since I started dating. My last long-term relationship was 4 years long. And that was a long 4 years, let me tell you. I worked hard on that relationship, and I didn't leave it until I knew for certain that the end was in fact the end. I have never been afraid of committing to a relationship. So why was this coming up now?

If only I could meet him...

Thinking more deeply about it all, I can see a pattern. Since that relationship, any time I've gotten close to being anywhere near a relationship, I've freaked out. Maybe not always out loud, but I've definitely felt it. My heart quickens, my mind starts racing and I am unable to function for at least a few minutes (sometimes hours). I'm thinking "what if I want to be with other people?" "what if this person isn't the one for me?" "How can I get out of this?" "What if I actually get to meet Leonardo DiCaprio in real life?" "What if there is someone else out there who is better for me?" "What if this feeling isn't real?" "Am I forcing this?" "Do I feel love?"

I've run from most relationships for the last two years, and the 2 or 3 guys I genuinely liked have either not reciprocated or have been complete twats. So what does this mean? Am I attracted to relationships that wont work?

I know a lot of this is just panic. I think about my 4 year relationship with DW. I was never afraid of being with someone long term. But I look back at it and I wonder what type of person I would become had I stayed with him. What if I'd been in that relationship for 10 years? 20 years? The thought frightens me. I'll tell you, I would be a sad woman, someone with little esteem and even less understanding of me. I would have remained in my own shadow.

I have grown and become so much more in the last 2 years, not only recovering some of my long-lost confidence but also a sense of self that I didn't even know existed. I think my fear springs from me loosing myself again and ending up with someone who isn't quite right for me. You've seen my list (if not, check that blogpost here). I want A LOT from a guy and from a relationship, but I also understand that you cant always have every single thing you want. But what if I settle and its just not-quite-right? Am I still the girl who will settle for what she has and work tirelessly to make it work? Will I be able to see the signs of it not working, and call it quits before it goes too far?

Commitment-Phobe? Hell yeah, I'm bloody terrified! This is the rest of my life, I have to make good decisions! But I'm also scared of missing out on some great experiences with an amazing person, just because I am afraid. So I continue to date, I continue to meet new people, try new things and see what is out there. In spite of everything I have just said, I know, deep down, I'm more afraid of not experiencing the love I know I want and deserve than I am of committing to it.

"I wanna go through the tunnel to the other side!"

Wait for Prince Charming or Search for Mr Right?

As I begin this post, I want to say that there is nothing wrong with being single. I experience the ups and downs daily, so I'm not sugar coating the good times, nor am I ignoring the low points either. However, as the months get increasingly colder and, yet again, I do not have a snuggle-buddy (unless you count my mug of home-made mulled wine- recipe here) I have started to wonder- as women, should we be waiting for Prince Charming or searching for Mr Right?

I'm waiting.... 

As a woman who has walked both roads and come home empty handed, I wonder what the approach should be. I have a friend who is a devout Christian, and she has the belief that men choose women, that as a woman you should wait for a man to come along and make his decision to be with you. There's certainly some merit in this, as I've found through my own experiences. From what I've seen, men tend to make up their minds about things on their own accord, and trying to convince them to be in a relationship when they don't want to is like eating pasta before its boiled. If a man decides he is ready to make the choice to be with you, he will usually come knocking. That's what's happened to me. My only problem is either I didn't want that specific man, or I got tired of waiting.

Bringing me to my opposing thought- do we as women "put ourselves out there" like Charlotte from SATC, and have our eyes on the prize? That's certainly been my approach more recently, since I've put myself back on the proverbial shelf. Although I must stress, I am not as, erm, enthusiastic as I was in my late teens/early 20s, where I'd approach guys at bars and ask for their phone numbers (my youthful overconfidence gave them the wrong impression of me and what I actually wanted, if you know what I mean). Putting myself out there this time round has meant that I am open to receive. I'm on a dating website and I give my number to guys I think are cute. However, I am also looking for what I want (my list is a testament to this). What I've found now is that I put pressure on myself to find someone decent, and as the months get colder, I'm reminded of how lonely I felt this time last year, adding to my desire to find someone, and soon.

Owl would tell me to relax and wait, that someone is out there for me. But does that mean I should sit idle, waiting, or should I be out there trying to find him?

Help me out. What do you think?

Attachment and taking risks

I get attached quite easily. It's not that I'm needy or co-dependent. I just think life's too short to not love what you love.

Of course this can be a bad thing. I made sure when I first got back into dating that I had a bit of a barrier up. There was no way I could allow myself to become attached to every guy I went on a date with or slept with - it would've been a recipe for heartache.

This is never an attractive look...

I wish I could tell you how exactly I did this. Partly it was just telling myself "I will not get attached". When asked 'Do you like him' I would always respond "Too early to tell" and distract myself with a task to try and not over think it.

However, as soon as you admit to yourself you like someone, that barrier comes down. And the vulnerability comes flooding in. Suddenly this person has the potential to affect your emotions on a deeper level. And it is SCARY!

I'm not ashamed to admit that I am a romantic. I love the feeling of being in love, I love the butterflies of excitement when you first meet someone and realise there is a connection. I do wear my heart on my sleeve a little bit in this respect and I often wonder if this is a good thing.

Take my current situation. I know I like him. A lot. We just spent 5 lovely days together. I was very happy. Although I love my independence, I operate better around other people. The more I like a person, the happier I am just being in their presence  I can quite happily have friends round and we all sit on our laptops working on projects of blogs or whatever and I will be very content. Same with a partner, I don't mind if we each have stuff to do. One of us doing housework, one of us pottering away on the computer. Or even if maybe he has something that needs doing - it gives me a chance to catch up on some reading or that girlie TV show that he hates (*cough cough* '2 Broke Girls' anyone?) I just enjoy being in that special persons company.

However I do catch myself worrying that I might be alone in this thought. I often worry about being clingy or "too" attached. Please note - I do not mean co-dependent. I know that as much as I care about someone, I strive to not allow one person to be the be all and end all of my life. I am fortunate to have a large amount of awesome people in my life and I have seen first hand in friends the danger of shutting yourself off and living in an isolated bubble with your partner. Even more so if you're actually in that bubble alone and they have no idea!

But I guess what I'm trying to say, is that this bit here in a relationship is the scariest bit for me. We're deeper than the "This is new and exciting and squeeing when I get a text and planning the perfect outfit for our next date" but not at the "We are in a committed relationship - we know where we're each at and it's comfortable". This stage of liking him, but always second guessing myself with how much he likes me, and if my actions are potentially going to scare him off. (Or if I don't my crazy family and psycho friends might!)

I'm sure I'm being silly, and this is predominantly all in my mind. As yet he has shown no signs of loosing interest and seems just as happy as I am. I hope! This is logic and evidence talking. But I can't shake this little dark thought that keeps tugging at the corner of my mind.

I guess I'm just scared. I would like to think that I don't let the past affect me too much. I start each new venture with lessons learned and a clean slate. But I guess my last break up got to me more than I realised. I was in a happy committed engagement, planning a whole life together, and it ended. Just like that. Out of nowhere - with no explanation or reason as to why. And if I want to be really honest, I'm scared of that happening again if I get too attached.


But what's the alternative? Never like someone again? Never fall in love again? No. That's not an option for Owl. I just have to face the fear.

Throw myself out of the plane with blind faith that the parachute will open.

After all....what is life for if not for taking risks?

PS. Two days after writing this post, I just found this very interesting article. That's me all over (except maybe the playing games part) It feels very reassuring to know I am not the only person who feels like this in relationships. And I agree - big big advocator of sharing your feelings and telling your partner what you need. They are not mind readers after all! 

What do men want?

I was recently reading an interesting article called "Expert: Guys don't want casual sex!", an extremely interesting article, looking at our misconceptions about men wanting to be "Casanovas". It highlights that men's views on relationships are actually similar to women, in that they want to be in monogamous, meaningful relationships.

Charlie in "Two and a Half Men"

"In mainstream media we’ve had all of this stuff on TV since the 1970s that really promotes this idea of promiscuous young men. The history, as far as I can tell, really starts with Fonzie on “Happy Days” and “Hawkeye” Pierce on “M*A*S*H.” And it continues with guys like Sam Malone on “Cheers” and Charlie Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men” and Barney on “How I Met Your Mother.” For several years now we’ve had so-called good guys who were also promiscuous. If you looked at TV and movies from the ’50s and ’60s, the promiscuous guys were always very clearly the bad example." 

~ Andrew P. Smiley

Author of "Challenging Casanova, Beyond the Stereotype of the Promiscuous Young Male."

Ross and Rachel 

Television certainly has a lot to answer for when it comes to our views around how relationships work. Who hasn't listened to a friend crying down the phone about their latest spat with their partner, and thought "you know what? This reminds of Ross and Rachel..." I guess we could sit here and blame the media for everything, although it may not make much of a difference. Our ongoing perceptions around how men and women relate to one another is the key here. Could it be that we mistake men for sex-crazed maniacs, only wanting to get into our knickers? Could it be that there is an ulterior motive, other than sex?

When I think over my own past relationships- looking at my boyfriends and male friends alike- I can only think of one example of a guy who was in it, all the time, just for the sex. In fact, this isn't even true, because even though he wanted to sleep with every woman that walked past him, he still craved the security and love of a real relationship. Even those men who said to me "I don't want a girlfriend" still appeared to want the closeness and companionship that comes with "being involved."

The stereotyped view that men just want to **** about may also have had an effect on women's behaviour. Is it possible that women's promiscuity has risen because of the view that men want to be in purely sexual relationships? Do we believe that being more sexually available will attract a man into commitment? Come on, I know some of us have, and if not, we certainly know someone that's testing this theory as we speak.

Its easy to label men in this way. But should the alternative be true, then there is a good chance for all us single ladies out here. If men also want relationships, then we have nothing to fear when broaching the subject with them. Perhaps not necessarily on a first date, but certainly once we have gotten to know the guy and decide we want some sort of future with him. Should we have to worry about having that "where is this going?" conversation, if the guy is feeling the same way? Is it possible that he is telling the truth- that he is also looking for love and companionship? Perhaps its the way we approach the question that frightens men. After reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" By Jon Gray and "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man" By Steve Harvey, it became apparent to me that saying words such as "we need to talk" is tantamount to telling a man his penis is about to fall off. Perhaps having the discussion in a non-cliche'd way could help this matter. I don't know, I'm just pondering (please feel free to get back to me with new ways to say this!)

"Where is this going?" conversation- 
not always easy, but perhaps he wants to have it too 

Lets face it, believing that all men are sex-driven swine is getting us no-where. Perhaps acknowledging that men have needs similar to our own may go a long way towards developing meaningful relationships in the long term.

Just a thought.

Have a read of Tracy Clark-Flory's article here. You can also purchase the book that inspired the article here (author Andrew P. Smiler).

Also have a look at "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" here, and "Act like a Lady, Think like a man" here.

Would you invite your ex to your wedding?

Will Brad be at Jennifer's Wedding?

Panda phoned Owl in such a rush the other night, she didn't even say the obligatory "Hi, how are you?"


P: "Did you know Jennifer Aniston is engaged?!"

O: "What? What is this? What do you mean? What the? WHAT?"

P: "I KNOW!!! Who even knew! I'm reading an article and it looks like her husband to be- Justin Theroux- has invited Brad and Angelina!" (quick search on IMDB to see who Justin Theroux is).


Queue discussion point- would ex's be invited to YOUR wedding?


Owl thinks...
Ex's at my Wedding? HELLS NO! And that goes for both sides. I'm not one for double standards.

It's just too weird. You think being friends with an ex is weird - have them celebrate the first day of the rest of your life with someone else. How can that not be weird?

I think How I Met Your Mother said it best - there are too many opportunities for old feelings to get brought up. Obviously you would hope that if you're marrying someone you are not going to ditch them at the alter for your ex. But what about other feelings? Jealousy? Anger? Lust? "What if's?" about the one that didn't work out?

What if you and that ex had considered marriage? Possibly even BEEN engaged? C'mon you're telling me THAT'S not weird?

Remember I am talking as someone that almost got married. My ex asked me about inviting his ex (the crazy psycho one) I think the look in my eyes said a lot more a lot quicker than my mouth did because he very quickly back-pedalled.

I think this is an easier issue for guys to deal with than girls. Look at Jen - it's her hubby to be that is wanting to invite Brangelina. I think men - once they've got a ring on your finger, feel a lot more secure. Maybe its that whole "owning/she's my property" thing. (Feminists please put down your pickaxes. It's a theory - not fact and I'm not saying I agree or like it).

Whereas for us girls it's our wedding day. We are the centre of attention, and for that one day we'd like to pretend that we are the only girl he has ever loved or even thought about. Pretty hard to do that with the ex smiling (or glaring) up at you from the 4th row isn't it?

It's just an added stress that no bride should have to deal with on such an important day. Your wedding day is about the two of you, and your love, and on this day yours is the only love that ever has been and ever will be.

Owl the romantic? Naaah.....

PS. My only amendment to this rule, is if said ex is an important and regular part of your social circle, and you probably already hang out with her as a friend already. And if this is the case it's probably unlikely they were very much serious in the first place.


Panda thinks...
... that it totally depends. It's interesting, I actually have a decent relationship with most of my ex's- some of them I talk to quite often, others it's a passing comment on Facebook. I can think of 2, maybe even 3 that I might consider inviting to my wedding. Some of them have been a part of my life for over a decade, how could I not invite them? Of course, I'd have to take into consideration the feelings of my hubby-to-be (apparently it would be his wedding too).

However, flip the coin- would I feel comfortable with my fiancé inviting HIS ex's? It's a double standard, but I don't know how content I would be. It would really depend upon his relationship with them, and his intentions on inviting them. I couldn't have any old skank turning up. What if they still had a flame burning? Would they try to sabotage my big day? Do I want to see the Love of my Life's past as we take our first step into our future?

Should old girlfriends be invited to the same events as new girlfriends? Ex's, new partners and weddings, perhaps they shouldn't mix. And if they are not close friends, or mutual friends, perhaps the past needs to stay in the past...

Overall, it seems to be a touchy area, and every single person will have their own views. I wonder what the guys think...

We know its a tricky situation Jen, hang in there, we're trying to work it out!

What's your take on the subject? Would you invite your ex? How would you feel if your fiancé asked about inviting their ex?

Tweet to @GrabaSpoon

Read the article that sparked our conversation here.
Find out who Justin Theroux is here.

He IS just that into you- and deep down you know it!

Owl and Panda are the self-proclaimed Queens of Overthinking. Don't let our well thought out blogposts fool you- when we get ourselves into a tizzy over a one word text from a date, it isn't a pretty sight. Luckily, we rarely tend to overthink at the same time, so when we have girly nights in, we can tell when the other is going overboard with analysations (spell check tells us that this is not a word, so we proclaim it to be one of "our words". Like "ponderments"...)

One of our downfalls is that we don't like to believe that a guy is too into us. We try to play it cool, and not assume that we are amazeballs. Instead we get self conscious and paranoid and this can lead to crazy musings over whether  a guy actually does like us.

Sitting on a long train ride one day, we were chatting about the Blockbuster "He's Just Not That Into You" starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper (to name a few). If you haven't seen it, watch it. It's quite a fun and easy watch, prompting pauses and long conversations whilst Owl and Panda poured over and related each issue to our own lives over white wine and cake. Anyway, we won't spoil the plot, but suffice to say, it's all there in the title. How to know when a guy isn't into you. Or when a girl just isn't into a guy.

But sometimes, we need just as much help to see that a guy actually IS into us. We don't want to be big-headed, but guess what? Some guys do actually want to be with us! And there is no problem with admitting to ourselves that sometimes we rock- and the guy thinks so too! So, on our train journey, with a couple of hours to spare, we came up with a list of tell-tell signs, just as a reference. If you're trying to work out whether a guy IS in fact into you, please have a look, and let us know if it has worked for you too. If you have more to add to the list – please please tell us in the comments. Goodness knows we could do with some more clues….

If he likes you:

1. He calls.

You don't have to worry about him contacting you. You've given him your details. He will get in contact.  Panda remembers a time where she met a guy at a club. Her friends and his friends were all talking, and contacts were shared throughout the night, however, the guy Panda was chatting to got a little (ahem) drunk and she didn't give him her number. Two days later, her friend contacted her. Apparently, his friend contacted her friend to give Panda the message that he wanted to apologise for being drunk and would love to have her contact details. He went above and beyond to track Panda down. Certainly, a sign that he was into her.

2. He talks to his friends about you.

Women talk. So do men. Do NOT let them fool you on this! Perhaps they don't talk in the same way as women, but they are guilty of sharing their musings with their closest chums. Don't be fooled, if he likes you, he would've more than mentioned you to his closest friend or roommate. He may even slip up in conversation. Owl learned this when she went to ELB’s house for the first time, and was introduced. She noticed the tone of the "this is 'Owl'" and noted the reaction of recognition from the roommates. Sure enough, they were already familiar with her presence in his life.

The differences between men and women talking...

3. He makes time.

It doesn't matter how busy he is- he will find the time because he wants to be in your company. Flip it over- when you want to see him, it doesn't matter if you've worked a 12 hour day, and your feet hurt, and your exhausted, and you have promised to take your Gran shopping the following morning- you will get on that 3 hour train to a different city to spend some time with him. We've all done it. And if he likes you, he will make the time to see you too…or even include you in his already made plans.

4. He takes notice of the things you like, and acts upon it.

He's asked all the questions and you've told him the things that you like. Not only has he listened, he has acted. This could be simply knowing that you like a particular chocolate bar and has bought it for you on your next date. But we would go a step further. For instance, Owl met a guy who listened to her like of a particular band. With this knowledge, he found other bands that sounded like this one, and told her about them. He had noticed her likes and was already making connections. You just don’t go that amount of effort for someone you're not into.

5. You just know.We women have been blessed with the ability of intuition. Nevertheless, all too often, we ignore our judgements, or displace them completely, in the fear of seeming presumptuous, or even... needy. But if a guy likes you, it doesn't matter whether you think you are overthinking. If you just relax and look at the evidence in front of you, you just KNOW. You don't have to overthink his every move. Sometimes we like to be modest, and not assume that the guy is totally smitten with is (unless you are a self-assured Panda who couldn't possibly believe someone isn't attracted to her!) But you know when he likes you back. His behaviour and actions show it.

We are not denying that there are some Casanova's out there, some men who make sport of leading girls on. But just trust your intuition, and you can answer the question yourself.

Not that we are not advocating sitting with your girls and having a good old chat about all the possibilities of whether he IS just that into you – over-analysing can sometimes be extremely helpful and fun too ;)