What do men want?

I was recently reading an interesting article called "Expert: Guys don't want casual sex!", an extremely interesting article, looking at our misconceptions about men wanting to be "Casanovas". It highlights that men's views on relationships are actually similar to women, in that they want to be in monogamous, meaningful relationships.

Charlie in "Two and a Half Men"

"In mainstream media we’ve had all of this stuff on TV since the 1970s that really promotes this idea of promiscuous young men. The history, as far as I can tell, really starts with Fonzie on “Happy Days” and “Hawkeye” Pierce on “M*A*S*H.” And it continues with guys like Sam Malone on “Cheers” and Charlie Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men” and Barney on “How I Met Your Mother.” For several years now we’ve had so-called good guys who were also promiscuous. If you looked at TV and movies from the ’50s and ’60s, the promiscuous guys were always very clearly the bad example." 

~ Andrew P. Smiley

Author of "Challenging Casanova, Beyond the Stereotype of the Promiscuous Young Male."

Ross and Rachel 

Television certainly has a lot to answer for when it comes to our views around how relationships work. Who hasn't listened to a friend crying down the phone about their latest spat with their partner, and thought "you know what? This reminds of Ross and Rachel..." I guess we could sit here and blame the media for everything, although it may not make much of a difference. Our ongoing perceptions around how men and women relate to one another is the key here. Could it be that we mistake men for sex-crazed maniacs, only wanting to get into our knickers? Could it be that there is an ulterior motive, other than sex?

When I think over my own past relationships- looking at my boyfriends and male friends alike- I can only think of one example of a guy who was in it, all the time, just for the sex. In fact, this isn't even true, because even though he wanted to sleep with every woman that walked past him, he still craved the security and love of a real relationship. Even those men who said to me "I don't want a girlfriend" still appeared to want the closeness and companionship that comes with "being involved."

The stereotyped view that men just want to **** about may also have had an effect on women's behaviour. Is it possible that women's promiscuity has risen because of the view that men want to be in purely sexual relationships? Do we believe that being more sexually available will attract a man into commitment? Come on, I know some of us have, and if not, we certainly know someone that's testing this theory as we speak.

Its easy to label men in this way. But should the alternative be true, then there is a good chance for all us single ladies out here. If men also want relationships, then we have nothing to fear when broaching the subject with them. Perhaps not necessarily on a first date, but certainly once we have gotten to know the guy and decide we want some sort of future with him. Should we have to worry about having that "where is this going?" conversation, if the guy is feeling the same way? Is it possible that he is telling the truth- that he is also looking for love and companionship? Perhaps its the way we approach the question that frightens men. After reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" By Jon Gray and "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man" By Steve Harvey, it became apparent to me that saying words such as "we need to talk" is tantamount to telling a man his penis is about to fall off. Perhaps having the discussion in a non-cliche'd way could help this matter. I don't know, I'm just pondering (please feel free to get back to me with new ways to say this!)

"Where is this going?" conversation- 
not always easy, but perhaps he wants to have it too 

Lets face it, believing that all men are sex-driven swine is getting us no-where. Perhaps acknowledging that men have needs similar to our own may go a long way towards developing meaningful relationships in the long term.

Just a thought.

Have a read of Tracy Clark-Flory's article here. You can also purchase the book that inspired the article here (author Andrew P. Smiler).

Also have a look at "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" here, and "Act like a Lady, Think like a man" here.

The sweet rewards of resisting temptation

Owl found herself in a very interesting situation this weekend.

I recently stared dating "ELB" - a lovely young man who I am quite excited about if truth be told! However whilst working an event, I was presented with a very attractive American who also seemed to have taken quite an interest in me.

I put this interest purely down to a "boys on tour" attitude and wanting to have a bit of fun overseas. Nothing wrong with that - we've all been there! And I'd be lying to you if I were to say I was not tempted as he was yummy! Arms like a Greek God (tattooed none the less), sparkly eyes and a confidence that oozed out of him like an intoxicating drug that left you slightly giddy.

This was a week long event, and the tension built little by little until the final night where there were direct propositions being made to our innocent little Owl (*cough cough*) And honestly I was tempted. I kept playing over in my head how it would go, how exciting it would be, but there were a couple of voices telling me firmly "no".

The first (most obviously) is as it was a work event, this is not the height of professionalism. But the second - and biggest was the thoughts of ELB. He kept swimming into the front of my mind, and I knew there was no way I could or would jeopardise what I think we might possibly be working towards.

Please don't think that this was a decision on whether to cheat or not. At this point me and ELB had had no such conversations about whether we were exclusive or not - in fact almost the opposite as he works through some things. But to have a night like that before a weekend of romance that had been in the planning for 2 weeks? To literally go from one bed to the next. *shudders* I just couldn't, it's not me, it's not who I am.

And you know what really got me? A text he sent me that night that went something like this:

"I'm going to bed early, the sooner I get to sleep the sooner it's tomorrow - just like Christmas!"

I mean c'mon, who's heart wouldn't melt a little at that? I know mine did! And it was re-reading that text, re-playing the smile it brought to my face over and over again that made me know my door was staying firmly locked and I was going nowhere near the American.

Although the next morning it was hard to get him out of my head. The temptation had burrowed itself into a corner of my mind that threatened to drive me a little crazy - until I saw ELB walking up my road and he gave me one of those greetings you only really see in the movies. A smile and a kiss that made my heart race and pushed all other thoughts out of my head.

And now, at the end of a delightful weekend, I think about how I would have felt at the end of a night of passion with the American, and how I feel now – I know I made the right choice. Proof, that although sometimes it feels so good to give into temptation, sometimes it is worth so much more to resist it and hold out for greater gratification.

Especially when its an almost straight up choice between the quintessential “badboysexgod” with the eyes, the accent, the flirtation and the Good Guy. The one that will rub your feet and cook for you, pour you wine whilst telling you you’re beautiful and make you feel so many more things than one night of passion ever would. 

The lure of the badboy

Oh…the bad boy. What is it about them? Take even your most intelligent, confident, self-sufficient woman – show them a long haired, tattooed dude with a motorbike and an attitude problem and suddenly we’re all of a quiver.

Ok…so maybe this is not all women. Plenty of girlfriends tell me ”Bad boys? Nah – show me a nice boy to take home to Mother and I’m happy” And I’m sure they’re not lying but I bet you they’re just not admitting to that secret smile when they think of…hell just about anyone riding a bike!

But what IS the appeal here? I sure as hell don’t get it and I’m one of the poor unfortunate souls attracted to them. Is it this absurd thought that we can change them? This ridiculous misguided notion that they will love us enough to change for us? But then where was the attraction in the first place if we want to convert them into a “nice guy”?

Is it the implied danger? That edge, that risk factor. Knowing that we may get burnt but that little voice in the back of our heads whispering “Go on. Go ON! Touch it! It’s not hot…”

Or is it as simple as basic biology? An attraction as old as genetics itself? Women are pre-programmed to procreate with the most masculine of men and these bad-boys show us very testosterone heavy traits? Body hair, deep voices, a general sense of recently having killed an animal?

Who knows – because I sure as hell don’t. I just know a little bit of treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen does indeed keep me on my toes. But it’s an extremely thin and risky line for a man to walk. Because if you acct like too much of a dick I’m going to want to put you in your place. TOO nice though and there’s always a small chance we may get bored too quickly. (Sorry guys – we never said what we want is straightforward or logical).

Bottom line though Bad guys should not be a long term consideration in my book and trust me – I speak from experience.  There is almost always some weird reason as to WHY they put forward this…edgy, non-emotional persona. There is some emotional baggage that they are hiding from. And it may seem…sexy or romantic even to be the person to “fix him” but really – what are the odds of this happening? You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves. And again please please PLEASE believe me when I say this. I really do speak from experience and it wasn’t a pretty one.

So limit your bad boys to novels, movies and perhaps occasionally the odd sexy fling. But when looking for love? Your Mother had a point – find a nice boy that you would be happy to bring home to her. Just don’t tell her about that tattoo in the not so obvious place….

Tweet to @GrabaSpoon Do you like the bad boys? 

Sex is not love

Whether you learn it the hard way (like I did) or you've read it somewhere early and took note, it's important for us women to realise that sex is not the same as love.

I read somewhere once that women have been genetically programmed to become "attached" to the man they sleep with, whereas men are programmed to "sow their seed" with as many women as possible. Given the things I've seen my friends go through over the last year or so, this makes some sense. Could it be that we women are genetically programmed to love the person we are sleeping with?

I'm no stranger to the concept of a "friend with benefits" and although I can say that I have not been in love with said "friend", I have felt loving feelings towards them after sex. Like many women I know, I yearn for intimacy both during and after sex, and I feel quite daunted and uneasy if the guy just rolls over and sleeps, or leaves in a hurry. Is this the "attachment" or "loving feeling" I've read about?

Like I said, I learned that sex was not love the hard way. And in realising this, I want to share it with every female I come into contact with. It means I do not love every man I sleep with, no matter what the overspill of emotions tells me. And it also means that "giving it up" will not necessarily result in the guy falling in love with me.

I'm not saying that men won't love a woman after having slept with them. I know of a friend of a friend of a friend who slept with a guy on the night they met and they are now happily married. What I mean is that just because sex has happened does not mean the guy will begin to have feelings for the woman.

Through discussions with many of my female friends, and through my own experiences, we have found that men have had more respect and love for women the more quality time they spend together. This is more than sex. I'm referring to fun activities, deep conversations, long walks, dinner dates, funfair and theme park trips. Guys have shown their levels of love through spending quality time, not just through sex.

I would love it if I could preach this to every woman I meet who didn't already know it. I feel like it's the Holy Grail of relationships- a forgotten truth that all women must know, to understand their biological make up and have more meaningful relationships.

Not to say the non-meaningful, short-lived, "can't get enough" sexual relationships can't be enjoyable. After all, who doesn't like a bit of meaningless animal sex?

50 shades of kink

Ah the “Mummyporn” book that everyone is talking about. Even if you hadn’t read it I’m sure you know what its about. (If not go hit up the 50 million reviews on Amazon – its not a complicated story I promise!)

Love it or loath it we can give it one thing and that is that’s its got everyone thinking about their kinks, turn ons and fetishes. I think we can all admit to having varying fetishes and what is kinky to one person is plain old vanilla to another and one persons hard core X-rated is anothers “meh”. But that’s not really what I’m here to discuss. (Maybe another time?)

What I want to talk about is expressing these desires in new or even non-existant relationships. Now before I go into this post, I want to establish a few rules that I hope would go without saying, but I will say them none the less:

1. Never EVER do anything you are not comfortable with.
2. If you are uncomfortable, not enjoying something or in pain always say “No/Stop that/I’m not enjoying this” in a clear strong voice  - maintain eye contact if possible – make sure there is no room for misunderstanding.
3. If those words may be part of the fun make sure you agree upon a safe word in advance and don’t be afraid to use it.

The next “rule” is actually a bit more complicated, one that is often preached but I am in two minds about. “Only ever do these things in a loving, committed relationship or with someone you trust” Now the part of that I agree with is “with someone you trust”. Maybe I’m just a good judge of character or maybe I trust too easily, but I don’t need to have been dating someone a year and be majorly in love before trusting someone. 

I was in a situation once where there was a guy I knew, we were “sort of” dating but there was no real definition on it. I’d known him for some time and shared a lot with him, although very little physically. After talking about kinks and fetishes we had some fun. It was all very natural – it wasn’t like we had a discussion about “we should do this/that” – we just said “never really understood that one but it could be fun  - lets try it” in response to a couple of the conversation topics.

At no point did I feel uncomfortable. At no point did I feel unsafe. At no point did I feel worried that he wouldn’t listen if I told him no. I half jokingly was saying “I’m not sure about this” with a smile and he jested “If you do it to me I get to do it to you” But even with the jesting I felt safe; knowing at no point would he actually “insist” if I told him no (or used the safe word).

Let me clarify. This is not a man I was in love with, nor in a relationship with. Heck we wernt even really what you’d call dating. But I had a large amount of trust for him (and he likewise) and that made it ok. Now we then get into the whole other issue of “how do you know when you want to sleep with someone” but the point remains that I was safe.

There are no hard and fast rules that say we can’t express, experiment with and discover new kinks, fetishes  and turn-ons with someone we are “merely dating”.  Don’t ever let your only reason for not expressing your sexuality be “Am I supposed to be in a relationship before doing this?”

And if you’re not sure my biggest piece of advice is this: If something goes hilariously wrong – will you both be able to laugh about it together? If the answer is ‘Yes’ you’re likely on a winning path.

Sex can be very funny sometimes what with fanny farts, weird faces, cramp at the most inopportune time and loads more besides. If the two of you are comfortable enough to laugh about it, hopefully you will also be comfortable discovering some new fun things to do together.

Go forth, have fun – STAY SAFE! 

The importance of "playing it cool"

After any encounter, whether its being chatted up, a first date or a fling it is vital to play it cool.

Now I am in no way advocating any of these crappy dating rules of “wait 3 days” “don’t text first” yadda yadda.

However…

There is such a thing as keeping an air of mystery about you. And again, maybe this directly counteracts my much preached advice of “communicate and talk” but it comes down to striking a fine balance. Don’t show all your cards at once – leave some things to be discovered – and let him want to discover them.

Take this recent experience of a friend of a friend. After an enjoyable night and the standard swapping numbers she was also given a business card with all the standard webby details. Granted nothing that a simple Google search probably wouldn’t have thrown up but at the same time – there was these details. Gleaming in front of her – just BEGGING to be used. She allowed herself a quick peruse *cough cough* of the website, but held off until after the weekend to add him on Twitter.

Bare in mind this was after a brief text a few days prior – prompted by the lovely man in question.

But now – we are firmly into the playing it cool zone. There are no rules for this – no set timelines, no formulas. “call immediately and he will never want to see you” “leave it 3 days and 16hours and you will be married within the year” – no, this will not happen. However leave enough time that he may have started to wonder “hmm what is she up to?”

Basically what we are aiming to avoid is the clichéd impression of the clingy needy girl. From what I’ve heard most men prefer women with a sense of self and a streak of independence. And then the old “hunter” gene kicks in. He WANTS to pursue – the thrill of the chase! Just make sure you don’t play it so cool he thinks you’re not interested at all.