Over-thinking being nice? THIS is a problem...

Just a quick post. I realise we haven't posted in a while. As with everyone in this crazy jungle of life, things just gets away from us sometimes. Owl has a lot going on with work etc and I was off everything "dating" for a bit, trying to mentally recharge.

Well, I'm back again, trying to navigate this scary and often frustrating world of dating. In fact, I just started seeing this guy, and we seemed to get along for the first few dates. However, he recently told me that his parent has been taken seriously ill. 

I have given him space because he seems to be completely focused on that (understandably!) The thing is,  I want him to know that I am thinking of him, and I want to be supportive. However, how supportive can I really be? I don't know him so well to visit his mum (I've never even met her- its only been a few dates after all!) And I don't want to bombard him with supportive texts and phone calls, I just don't know whether that would be useful.

"I made this just for you- hope your mum feels better"
I don't think this will work...

This is not a "shall I give her a mix-tape or house key?" dilemma. I want to show him that I care, but I don't want to bother him, or become overbearing. There is also the small nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me that this would be a good excuse for him to use to back out of seeing me again. 

(No, I haven't used this excuse before... nor anything like it... ahem...)

Its a possible "He's just not that into you" kind of situation. I hate those. They have you second guessing the smallest things. They even have you second guessing second guessing.

Well, after a few days over-thinking it, I decided not to over-think it. I will send him a message, letting him know I'm thinking of him, then take it from there. There is nothing wrong with me letting him know that I care. That's meant to be a good thing. And if he doesn't appreciate it, if he's too busy to get back right away, if he decides that he thinks I'm overbearing well, that's fine. Because no matter what, I am being true to myself, and the man I will end up with after all this dating malarkey will understand that.

Until then? Well, I have plenty going on to pass the time. Overthinking is no longer on that list.

Panda x

Attachment and taking risks

I get attached quite easily. It's not that I'm needy or co-dependent. I just think life's too short to not love what you love.

Of course this can be a bad thing. I made sure when I first got back into dating that I had a bit of a barrier up. There was no way I could allow myself to become attached to every guy I went on a date with or slept with - it would've been a recipe for heartache.

This is never an attractive look...

I wish I could tell you how exactly I did this. Partly it was just telling myself "I will not get attached". When asked 'Do you like him' I would always respond "Too early to tell" and distract myself with a task to try and not over think it.

However, as soon as you admit to yourself you like someone, that barrier comes down. And the vulnerability comes flooding in. Suddenly this person has the potential to affect your emotions on a deeper level. And it is SCARY!

I'm not ashamed to admit that I am a romantic. I love the feeling of being in love, I love the butterflies of excitement when you first meet someone and realise there is a connection. I do wear my heart on my sleeve a little bit in this respect and I often wonder if this is a good thing.

Take my current situation. I know I like him. A lot. We just spent 5 lovely days together. I was very happy. Although I love my independence, I operate better around other people. The more I like a person, the happier I am just being in their presence  I can quite happily have friends round and we all sit on our laptops working on projects of blogs or whatever and I will be very content. Same with a partner, I don't mind if we each have stuff to do. One of us doing housework, one of us pottering away on the computer. Or even if maybe he has something that needs doing - it gives me a chance to catch up on some reading or that girlie TV show that he hates (*cough cough* '2 Broke Girls' anyone?) I just enjoy being in that special persons company.

However I do catch myself worrying that I might be alone in this thought. I often worry about being clingy or "too" attached. Please note - I do not mean co-dependent. I know that as much as I care about someone, I strive to not allow one person to be the be all and end all of my life. I am fortunate to have a large amount of awesome people in my life and I have seen first hand in friends the danger of shutting yourself off and living in an isolated bubble with your partner. Even more so if you're actually in that bubble alone and they have no idea!

But I guess what I'm trying to say, is that this bit here in a relationship is the scariest bit for me. We're deeper than the "This is new and exciting and squeeing when I get a text and planning the perfect outfit for our next date" but not at the "We are in a committed relationship - we know where we're each at and it's comfortable". This stage of liking him, but always second guessing myself with how much he likes me, and if my actions are potentially going to scare him off. (Or if I don't my crazy family and psycho friends might!)

I'm sure I'm being silly, and this is predominantly all in my mind. As yet he has shown no signs of loosing interest and seems just as happy as I am. I hope! This is logic and evidence talking. But I can't shake this little dark thought that keeps tugging at the corner of my mind.

I guess I'm just scared. I would like to think that I don't let the past affect me too much. I start each new venture with lessons learned and a clean slate. But I guess my last break up got to me more than I realised. I was in a happy committed engagement, planning a whole life together, and it ended. Just like that. Out of nowhere - with no explanation or reason as to why. And if I want to be really honest, I'm scared of that happening again if I get too attached.


But what's the alternative? Never like someone again? Never fall in love again? No. That's not an option for Owl. I just have to face the fear.

Throw myself out of the plane with blind faith that the parachute will open.

After all....what is life for if not for taking risks?

PS. Two days after writing this post, I just found this very interesting article. That's me all over (except maybe the playing games part) It feels very reassuring to know I am not the only person who feels like this in relationships. And I agree - big big advocator of sharing your feelings and telling your partner what you need. They are not mind readers after all! 

He IS just that into you- and deep down you know it!

Owl and Panda are the self-proclaimed Queens of Overthinking. Don't let our well thought out blogposts fool you- when we get ourselves into a tizzy over a one word text from a date, it isn't a pretty sight. Luckily, we rarely tend to overthink at the same time, so when we have girly nights in, we can tell when the other is going overboard with analysations (spell check tells us that this is not a word, so we proclaim it to be one of "our words". Like "ponderments"...)

One of our downfalls is that we don't like to believe that a guy is too into us. We try to play it cool, and not assume that we are amazeballs. Instead we get self conscious and paranoid and this can lead to crazy musings over whether  a guy actually does like us.

Sitting on a long train ride one day, we were chatting about the Blockbuster "He's Just Not That Into You" starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper (to name a few). If you haven't seen it, watch it. It's quite a fun and easy watch, prompting pauses and long conversations whilst Owl and Panda poured over and related each issue to our own lives over white wine and cake. Anyway, we won't spoil the plot, but suffice to say, it's all there in the title. How to know when a guy isn't into you. Or when a girl just isn't into a guy.

But sometimes, we need just as much help to see that a guy actually IS into us. We don't want to be big-headed, but guess what? Some guys do actually want to be with us! And there is no problem with admitting to ourselves that sometimes we rock- and the guy thinks so too! So, on our train journey, with a couple of hours to spare, we came up with a list of tell-tell signs, just as a reference. If you're trying to work out whether a guy IS in fact into you, please have a look, and let us know if it has worked for you too. If you have more to add to the list – please please tell us in the comments. Goodness knows we could do with some more clues….

If he likes you:

1. He calls.

You don't have to worry about him contacting you. You've given him your details. He will get in contact.  Panda remembers a time where she met a guy at a club. Her friends and his friends were all talking, and contacts were shared throughout the night, however, the guy Panda was chatting to got a little (ahem) drunk and she didn't give him her number. Two days later, her friend contacted her. Apparently, his friend contacted her friend to give Panda the message that he wanted to apologise for being drunk and would love to have her contact details. He went above and beyond to track Panda down. Certainly, a sign that he was into her.

2. He talks to his friends about you.

Women talk. So do men. Do NOT let them fool you on this! Perhaps they don't talk in the same way as women, but they are guilty of sharing their musings with their closest chums. Don't be fooled, if he likes you, he would've more than mentioned you to his closest friend or roommate. He may even slip up in conversation. Owl learned this when she went to ELB’s house for the first time, and was introduced. She noticed the tone of the "this is 'Owl'" and noted the reaction of recognition from the roommates. Sure enough, they were already familiar with her presence in his life.

The differences between men and women talking...

3. He makes time.

It doesn't matter how busy he is- he will find the time because he wants to be in your company. Flip it over- when you want to see him, it doesn't matter if you've worked a 12 hour day, and your feet hurt, and your exhausted, and you have promised to take your Gran shopping the following morning- you will get on that 3 hour train to a different city to spend some time with him. We've all done it. And if he likes you, he will make the time to see you too…or even include you in his already made plans.

4. He takes notice of the things you like, and acts upon it.

He's asked all the questions and you've told him the things that you like. Not only has he listened, he has acted. This could be simply knowing that you like a particular chocolate bar and has bought it for you on your next date. But we would go a step further. For instance, Owl met a guy who listened to her like of a particular band. With this knowledge, he found other bands that sounded like this one, and told her about them. He had noticed her likes and was already making connections. You just don’t go that amount of effort for someone you're not into.

5. You just know.We women have been blessed with the ability of intuition. Nevertheless, all too often, we ignore our judgements, or displace them completely, in the fear of seeming presumptuous, or even... needy. But if a guy likes you, it doesn't matter whether you think you are overthinking. If you just relax and look at the evidence in front of you, you just KNOW. You don't have to overthink his every move. Sometimes we like to be modest, and not assume that the guy is totally smitten with is (unless you are a self-assured Panda who couldn't possibly believe someone isn't attracted to her!) But you know when he likes you back. His behaviour and actions show it.

We are not denying that there are some Casanova's out there, some men who make sport of leading girls on. But just trust your intuition, and you can answer the question yourself.

Not that we are not advocating sitting with your girls and having a good old chat about all the possibilities of whether he IS just that into you – over-analysing can sometimes be extremely helpful and fun too ;)

The girls as friend’s scenario

I’ve always found myself to be pretty chill about boyfriends having girls as friends. I think even from my early teen years I saw girls freaking out with jealousy over their guys having friends of the opposite sex and I always thought it was so pointless. If they wanted to be with them....they would be! The guy is with you for a reason...dumbass.

And yes you can often enter into the slightly murkier territories of a past between the two of them, one fancied the other, one maybe still fancies the other (presumably not the one you’re going out with) etc etc but by the by there is a reason why they are friends and not partners.

Let’s look at this objectively – it is GOOD to have friends of the opposite sex. How many times have you just sat back chilling with the guys and thought how nice it is to have a different friend dynamic to always being “with the girls”. How often have you gone to a male friend for advice? “Why do men...?” “What does he mean by....?” “Should I...?” (FYI the answer will almost always invariably be some variation of “stop over-thinking things”.)  Isn't it nice to think that your guy has people he can do the same thing with? Women are always complaining about men not understanding them. How do we expect men to understand us if we ban them from communicating with other women?

Now don’t get me wrong. I am nowhere near the cool, calm, level-headed woman I am making out to be. Sometimes certain female friends fill me with such despair and anxiety that I don’t know how to cope. In the case of ‘The’ ex,  he had his ex that broke his heart and the “best friend” that had been in love with him since forever as two of his closest mates. And boy were they vindictive little bitches when they wanted to be. But I saw it, and ultimately I didn't distrust him, and in my effort to stick to my morals and not having a problem with my guy having girl/friends I actually probably shot myself in the foot a bit and caused more heartache than necessary.  Hey-ho; live and learn.

I guess my point is that that initial twinge of jealousy when you hear a female name is the person he’s having a drink with is natural. You care about him and (probably due to some evolutionary reason) you want to be the only woman in his life. But that just aint gonna’ happen. So just keep a close eye on it. If you find yourself uttering words of jealousy, or worse – insisting you also tag along, you may have a slight issue. And then even if this does happen...talk to your other half. If he is a decent guy he will understand, and be able to reassure you. He may have even felt the same about some of your male friends, and it might also give him an opportunity to voice that.

But imagine how you would feel if you told him not to hang out with your brothers mate that you've known since you were 9? “Who the heck is he telling me that? I’ve known Bob forever, we always watch the footie together on Sundays!” yeah...now hear those words being said about you and that’s exactly how he may feel. Bare that in mind the next time that little green eyed monster raises its ugly head. Placate it with chocolate and the reminder that he is with you for a reason. He loves and cares about you, and spending time with women – seeing more of how our complex minds work, will actually make him a better boyfriend to you. How could that ever be a bad thing?