Over-thinking being nice? THIS is a problem...

Just a quick post. I realise we haven't posted in a while. As with everyone in this crazy jungle of life, things just gets away from us sometimes. Owl has a lot going on with work etc and I was off everything "dating" for a bit, trying to mentally recharge.

Well, I'm back again, trying to navigate this scary and often frustrating world of dating. In fact, I just started seeing this guy, and we seemed to get along for the first few dates. However, he recently told me that his parent has been taken seriously ill. 

I have given him space because he seems to be completely focused on that (understandably!) The thing is,  I want him to know that I am thinking of him, and I want to be supportive. However, how supportive can I really be? I don't know him so well to visit his mum (I've never even met her- its only been a few dates after all!) And I don't want to bombard him with supportive texts and phone calls, I just don't know whether that would be useful.

"I made this just for you- hope your mum feels better"
I don't think this will work...

This is not a "shall I give her a mix-tape or house key?" dilemma. I want to show him that I care, but I don't want to bother him, or become overbearing. There is also the small nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me that this would be a good excuse for him to use to back out of seeing me again. 

(No, I haven't used this excuse before... nor anything like it... ahem...)

Its a possible "He's just not that into you" kind of situation. I hate those. They have you second guessing the smallest things. They even have you second guessing second guessing.

Well, after a few days over-thinking it, I decided not to over-think it. I will send him a message, letting him know I'm thinking of him, then take it from there. There is nothing wrong with me letting him know that I care. That's meant to be a good thing. And if he doesn't appreciate it, if he's too busy to get back right away, if he decides that he thinks I'm overbearing well, that's fine. Because no matter what, I am being true to myself, and the man I will end up with after all this dating malarkey will understand that.

Until then? Well, I have plenty going on to pass the time. Overthinking is no longer on that list.

Panda x

Being 'out there'- meeting people beyond Online Dating

So, I'm going through my daily trawl of the dating website, of messages I have received. Don't be happy for me. Most of the messages I receive are daft one-liners, usually "hi" or something just as meaningless to me. I was feeling a bit lonely and thought I'd have a look at what the site had to offer.

I came across one guy who seemed interesting, and the site said we were pretty much a good match (based on all the statistical factoring and data configuration no less- Friends Bods will know what I'm on about). Anyway, I thought I'd take a mini leap and send him a message. Turns out, he had already messaged me last year.

"I like your breasts".

Hmmm. It was a frustrating one. I had read through his profile, looked at his statistics and thought this would be a mature person I could at least have a conversation with. I was wrong. Feeling a little affronted, I replied:

"Hmmm. Just read through your profile. Seemed a decent profile, then, as I opened up the message, I realised you messaged me last year. 'I like your breasts'. Well, most people do. Not the kind of opening line I cherish though."

He was quick to reply:

"Well when it comes to honesty I don't hold back. This site is full of people doing the equivalent of 'talking about the weather'. :) Good luck with your search!"

Is this what I'm searching for? Is this what I expect?

That got me thinking. What the hell am I searching for? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I know what I want- a decent guy who treats me well, ambitious, funny, loving and caring blah blah. But do I really believe I am going to find it on a website?

He is right, the site is full of people "talking about the weather". I have met a couple of guys on there, those who were "highly matched" who ended up annoying the hell out of me after a couple of dates. I'm sure the site's master computer would argue that I have entered some details wrong, or that I am not being authentic online, or something. The long and short of it is, there is only so far I can go when "meeting" someone online.

At the risk of sounding like an old bag, I miss the days when I would go out and just meet guys. There were times when I would meet 3 or 4 guys on the same night, go out on dates with them, and then the following week start the process again. I know, this was when I was a little younger, and I had a different type of energy. And yes, I am probably looking for something different in a guy than I was 7 years ago. But I still miss meeting guys when out and about, using my instinct to judge his character, seeing his reactions to me, reading body language and so on. What happened to that?

Many a face I have made at an online message

As technology advances, are we doomed to hide behind laptops and smartphones, using computers to pick out potential mates, spend months "talking" through texts and messages before having any actual face to face contact?

On the flip side, I know a few people who have met their current partners online, and they aren't complete dullards, or douche-bags  This is only a teeny ray of hope for me though, because for everyone I know that has found someone good for them, there are 10 who make that "what the actual f*ck?" face every time they check their messages.

This is why I'm taking a stand. I'm making it my mission to be out there more. And I do mean out there- just like Charlotte in SATC. I want to see and be seen again. I want to be approached and have actual conversations with guys in real life. Remember those? Yes, its nerve wracking and frightening, and yes, its a tad awkward at first, but you know what? I got less "I like your breasts" comments face to face when I met guys the old fashioned way. That's got to mean something.

A question about Online Daring Etiquette...

Just a quick one guys. It's all about online dating.

I'm not brand new to the activity, and I know how to sift through the horny and the hungry. I read men's approaches and decide whether they are worth messaging back, based on their profiles and pictures (sorry, I'm not going to pretend that looks don't matter!) Of course, I try to be outgoing as well, so I have made the first contact with guys I thought had a decent profiles and / or were cute.

So, I made contact with a guy who met both the criteria points, responding to some personal information on his profile to start a dialogue. It was about a day before he replied:

"Hi... Glad you liked my profile and you sound lovely. But you're not really my type of girl. Good luck finding someone! Take care."

Hmmm.

Now, rejection of any kind is never easy to swallow. I appreciate that he was polite, honest and direct. But that made no difference. I was offended. I know I shouldn't have been offended... Or at least that didn't appear to be his intention. But it felt crappy, really crappy.

So, what's the general feeling around Online Dating etiquette? Is it better to ignore the person you're not attracted to or interested in, or send them a psuedo-polite message of rejection?

(Can you tell what side I'm on?)

The Tate Modern (Date spot review)

Tate Modern

http://www.tate.org.uk

Call +44 (0)20 7887 8888 

Bankside

London SE1 9TG

United Kingdom

It was my first date with a guy I'd met on a dating website, and we'd spoken via text. I asked him to plan the entire date, and he was happy to. He told me to meet him at Southwark Station, and then we could take a walk to the Tate Modern.

It was about a 10 min walk from both Southwark and London Bridge Station, along the river and right opposite St Paul's Cathederal. I am very comfortable walking in heels, but if youre not, it may be best to walk in flats.

I cant say that "into" modern art. I dont know much about what is going on, and I cant always "read into" the connotations of a slash in a sheet of canvas, or a host of metal coils dangling from the ceiling. However, I didnt let that get in the way of my fun! We chatted about what we thought each piece of art could mean, then compared it to its actual meaning, and spent most of the time chatting away about our general likes and dislikes.

When we decided we'd had enough, he led me up to the 6th floor, where there is a darling bar. I didnt even know it was there! They have stools that face a window, giving you a view of the river and St Pauls.

I had two cocktails, and my date had a beer and then a glass off rum. It was comfortable and ever so fancy, with the option of dining at the restaurant. We were the until about 11pm, chatting away and enjoying a nice, casual evening.

Pros

• Free to enter
• Food and drinks available in the bar

Cons

• Drinks were on the pricey side (cocktails typically £9)
• Lots of walking involved

Great Date for?

• Good first date- get to know each others likes and dislikes
• Something different

Cost

Although it was free to enter, the food and drinks were rather pricey.

Romance rating

"Night In" Giveaway winner!

First of all we would like to say a huge thank you to everyone that took part in our giveaway. We didn't expect to suddenly see thousands of new readers, but to each of you lovely people that has now found us and is following us - we love you!

Seeing every new entry, comment and RT really made us smile and we were texting each other in excitement at each one that came through. We wish we could give you each something for being one of our first readers, but instead hopefully knowing that you will always be one of our special group of "original readers" is something? 

So without further ado we are very pleased the winner is....

Kathleen Hooper
(@Hoops120)

Well done Kathleen!

Please drop us an email on grabaspoon(at)live.co.uk with your details so we can send your prize out to you. 

Once again, thank you to everyone that participated. And please please do stay in touch! We would love to see our little slice of the web grow as organically as possible, and not just through giveaways and promotions. 

If you like one of our posts, or appreciate something we say we would really love you giving us a little tweet or post comment. You have no idea how much they make us smile knowing that we have brought amusement and maybe some wise words to someone's day. 

Or if there is something you dont like and could see us improving, or something you think we should blog about that we dont currently - let us know. You are our readers and we want to make sure you enjoy what we produce. 

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Lots of love,

Owl and Panda xxx

Single On Valentines (need I say more?)

So Valentine's is creeping its way to you. Suddenly, everything is turning red, everything is flavoured with chocolate and you are still single. Panda feels your pain.

All your friends seem to be married, engaged, in a new relationship, having babies, moving in, moving away and just happy in general. And as much as you're happy for them (maybe 80% like Rachel in Friends) there is that small part of you that doesn't want to hear anything about it.

And its all because of Valentines Day. If your friends are anything like mine, they don't care much about it either. But all the same, you don't want to be a part of it- not because you don't enjoy it, but because you're bombarded with images of people who are happy in their relationships whilst you suck the cream out of a Cadbury's Creme Egg waiting for Easter.

I'm not bitter (even though I sound it), I just want some alternatives. So, after a little online research, I have found the following methods to get through the day without any emotional scarring. Who knows, maybe we can enjoy the day without feeling the urge to push a kissing couple into a rose bush.

Stay in bed all day

Not the most feasible tactic, and may cause some unwanted probing from work the next day, but a good way to block out the entire experience... You know what, I've changed my mind. DO NOT DO THIS. It'll probably do more damage than good.

Go Speed Dating

Hmmm... a possible choice, as long as you don't think it seems desperate. Could be a lot of fun, especially if you go with another single friend. Don't get your hopes up on finding love though. Apparently, according to the rest of the world, all the good men are in relationships already...

Movie with a mate

Owl has said that over the pond in the grand US of A, Valentine's Day is more of a day of appreciation, and is not limited to just couples. With this in mind, a friend and I have made a pact- this year we are going to spend Valentines Day together. We're going to watch The Dark Knight Trilogy, eat popcorn and drink cider, thus having no romantic urges and blocking out anything even remotely Valentinesy.

Celebrate Yourself

Not to sound all hippy on y'all, but the biggest love of your life should be yourself. So, instead of spending the entire day in bed, pamper yourself. Make plans to get your hair done, or a lovely massage or pedicure. Enjoy your favourite meal, go for a walk in your favourite place. Find what makes you happy and DO IT. Appreciate yourself more. If you had a boyfriend, you might have considered getting him a nice gift, like an aftershave or something. Use that money and spend it on yourself. After all, you're worth it, aren't you?

Being single on Valentine's Day doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. There is always a guy out there willing to take you out. The real question is, would you prefer to spend your time with him or by yourself. At the moment, with the guys I know, my choice is definitely me. I'm a lot more fun, and I love me loads.

Valentines Day = Extra Brownie Points for Men Day

Panda is about to get very frank on y'all asses! This post is aimed at the guys- so take serious note, I'm about to impart some knowledge that will score you some seriously easy brownie points with your lady!

I'm talking about Valentines Day. Yep, Feb 14th is coming round, same as every year. I'm not going to lie to you- its all about women. This holiday was made for women to enjoy. Now, I know there is a substantial amount of people out there that don't "believe" in Valentines Day. I'd just like to point out that there is nothing to "believe" in. It exists. The End. Now that that's out of the way- What is the problem? Why would you NOT want to use this opportunity to show your lady how much you love and appreciate her? Why would you risk the possibility of disappointing her? So many men make a huge deal about celebrating Valentine's Day. If they could just put that same amount of energy into planning something nice, they would get so much more out of the experience.

I have been given so many reasons over the years as to why men DONT celebrate on Feb 14th. Below are some of the most popular ones I've heard. And for each ridiculous reason, I have a rebuttal. Read and Learn- fast!

I can show you that I love you any day of the year!

Rebuttal: But do you? Can you honestly say that you show your lady how much you love and appreciate her every single day? If you can then that's fantastic, making an effort on the 14th Feb will be just like any other day, right? If not, then why would you pass up the opportunity to make your lady feel special, wanted, adored?

It's just a way for retailers to make money!

Rebuttal: Who says you have to spend loads of money? It doesn't have to be a massive gesture. You don't have to take your partner away on holiday, or buy the most expensive gift Selfridges has in their window. Some additional, thoughtful effort is what we are looking for, and believe it or not, romance can be pretty cheap. If you're thrifty, a bottle of wine and a home cooked meal can be just as effective as an evening in a fancy restaurant. A lovely bottle of perfume and a night cuddled on the sofa can be just as appreciated as a new Alexa Mulberry bag with woven trim (hint?) The key word is here is EFFORT.

You just want to show off to your friends!

Rebuttal: Yes and no. Yes: we want to tell nice stories about our guy to our friends (it makes a change from us moaning about your annoying habits all the time). No: we don't want to show off. Some of our female friends don't have partners. We don't want to rub it in their faces that we had a lovely romantic Valentines Day! What kind of people do you think we are?

You said you didn't even like Valentines Day!

Rebuttal: We lied. (Its on similar lines as "No, nothing is wrong, I'm not mad" and "Its not you, its me") Somewhere along the line, women have learned to say this, in order to shield themselves from the embarrassment and disappointment of their partner not doing something nice for them on Feb 14th. We're lying. Regardless of whether we take the day very seriously, or whether we're not that bothered, no lady is going to say no to her partner making her feel special. Its that simple.

Score Easy Brownie Points

Here's a few ways to score some easy points with your lady.

• Check if your lady is running out of her favourite fragrance. We don't like to buy perfume, we like it to be bought for us. Plus, we will see the effort you have put in to getting something we like.

• Plan a romantic evening. Even if you're not THAT romantic (this makes even more of an impact!) Whether its recreating your first date, having a lovely evening together, you cooking / preparing / ordering a nice meal, rose petals on the bedspread with whipped cream and chocolate sauce... seriously, whatever floats your boat!

• Cheesy is still effective. We like chocolate. We appreciate flowers. What's difficult?

• Foot rubs and massages are always an easy way to make your lady feel special. Curl up on the sofa with your favourite movie and some nice snacks and get rubbing! Besides, rubbing tends to lead to other things... do you need more of a hint?

• If you can afford it, send your lady on a pamper day! Pay for a manicure, pedicure, massage, facial, hairstyling (all of the above) and have her meet you for dinner. You've spent so much on her, and she's happy and looks beautiful. And what do you get from a lady that is happy and feels beautiful? (Insert dirty memory here).What more could you want? 

• Buy your lady a toothbrush and some sexy underwear and give her a map. Have her  meet you at a lovely hotel and spend a romantic night together.

Seriously guys, don't miss an opportunity to score some serious brownie points! Why waste it? You know we respond well to effort and romance. If its really that painful for you to make this effort, grin and bare it. You know the rewards for it will be plentiful. You know this. So suck it up, take one for the team and do something nice for your lady. If you pull it off, it will be reciprocated. Trust me.

If you want some other ideas on lovely date ideas, just ask! We're here to offer advice- for the sake of men and women everywhere!

Online Dating - Weird Messages

I've been on a dating website for a few months now, and suffice to say, it hasn't yielded much for me. No more than I would expect from a typical night out at a club- a few nutters, some people acting like their on drugs, the (very) occasional interesting guy to turns out to be dry. Mostly men I don't find very attractive. But hey, sometimes, all you want is a bit of a dance and a conversation! 

My expectations of meeting Mr Right on the site aren't high at all, but it does serve as just another way to meet people I guess. Personally, I only reply to the ones who I am attracted to physically and who reference my profile directly. So, not many.

I have received a couple of funny messages I'd like to share. I'm not sure if it's just me, or whether its normal to attract weirdos. Anyway, have a look and PLEASE let me know if you can relate! I can't be the only one out here! 

These ones are initial messages- they have received absolutely no prompts from me...



erm... I've never heard from you before. Ever.

*

... really?

*

Enough said.

*

SERIOUSLY?

*

SERIOUSLY???

*

This one was my fault, I mentioned in public that I was reading 50 Shades...




er, if you actually READ what I said about the book, then you would know that was a firm NO.

*

I didn't realise my personal page was a dating service. Interestingly enough, you can barely see the to other girls in my picture and neither are on the dating website themselves... And if you're looking for a white girl you're really on the wrong profile mate!

*

I received THIS one very recently. How interesting...



I think the word you're looking for is BUSTED! For the record, I think I may have spoken to this guy, but wasn't interested at all (call it women's intuition...)

*

I have had a couple of dates with some of the more mature guys off the site, but didn't even reached first base with them. They just haven't tickled my fancy (and perhaps I haven't quite tickled theirs). I've decided not to take it too seriously. If nothing else, being on it has provided me with some interesting entertainment!

Do you have any funny, weird, scary messages you'd like to share? I'd love to hear them!

Self-Appreciation: Panda's Journey

I'm not always the most self-assured single girl in this jungle we call London. I'm not going to pretend to be one of those "I'm always positive!" bloggers. Because it just isn't true. I'm not always sure of what I'm doing, or where I'm going. I'm not always confident. And I have insecurities, just like everyone else on the planet... What was my point? 

The other day I was reading a post by Lea Rice on The High Tea Cast Blog, and it helped me to put some things into perspective. It's funny, after my 4 year relationship with DW finally crumbled, it took me years to work out what I was doing wrong (I am not negating all the messed up things he did at all, but it has always been important to me to take responsibility for my own behaviours). I had spent most of the relationship focusing on his needs, putting them well before (and a lot of the time instead of) my own. It's still not the time to discuss the difficulties of my relationship with DW. But it is time to talk about the journey I started, post-break-up. 

I've learned that putting myself first is so important. It took me a long time to realise exactly what this meant, and how to do it. It's been such a personal and individual journey that I can't even explain it in words. I guess everyone has to go on their own journey to understand what this means. 

I've struggled with the notion that "loving yourself" is a conceited and selfish act (character traits I learned to loath as a child, although even now I can't pinpoint why I feel this way). Yet, through self-discovery and allowing myself to just be single, I've realised that it is so important to put my own needs first (without, of course, hurting someone else in the process, where possible). 

I guess what I'm struggling with at the moment is really feeling comfortable being single in my own skin. It's natural to want some company, and to feel loved. However, to want this before learning to appreciate yourself can be extremely dangerous. What can you offer a partner if you don't even appreciate yourself? Wanting to be with someone is nothing if not human nature, but when it's at the expense of your own self-worth and esteem then it just wont give you the satisfaction you crave. For me, its always been important to know that someone loves me and cares about me constantly and consistently. Then I recently realised, who on this planet is really able to give me absolute and unconditional love, apart from me?

This journey is just really beginning for me. I don't have all my own answers, and although I have some understanding, I still feel the pang of being single. However, I know that there is more I need to achieve in this time I have to myself. Once I have, I know I will be truly comfortable in my own space, and being single wont feel so difficult any more.

You can read Lea Rice's blogpost here- really good read.

Am I a Commitment-Phobe?

So, I'm dating. It's the Summer of '12. It's my second date with this guy, who happens to be the first guy I have met online. The first time we meet up he seems interesting, but when I see him walking towards me for our second date, I immediately know that I don't want to see him for a third.

But I'm a good sport, I look pretty and we were having sushi, so I continue the date. He seems cool, and I think to myself (if he is up for it) we could possibly be friends later. Towards the end of the date, we're laying on some grass, taking in the scenery and sun, and I explain to him that I often go into a "me me me" zone, and I like to have guys as friends. He gets the message, he's picking up my vibe. But what he says next throws me a bit. "Are you some kind of commitment-phobe?"

Well, I had never honestly thought about it. Immediately, all my defences are up. I want to say "nope, I just don't like YOU." But I'm not usually that evil (without provocation). However, his words have struck a nerve. Am I afraid of commitment?

I have seen this in myself, ever since I started dating. My last long-term relationship was 4 years long. And that was a long 4 years, let me tell you. I worked hard on that relationship, and I didn't leave it until I knew for certain that the end was in fact the end. I have never been afraid of committing to a relationship. So why was this coming up now?

If only I could meet him...

Thinking more deeply about it all, I can see a pattern. Since that relationship, any time I've gotten close to being anywhere near a relationship, I've freaked out. Maybe not always out loud, but I've definitely felt it. My heart quickens, my mind starts racing and I am unable to function for at least a few minutes (sometimes hours). I'm thinking "what if I want to be with other people?" "what if this person isn't the one for me?" "How can I get out of this?" "What if I actually get to meet Leonardo DiCaprio in real life?" "What if there is someone else out there who is better for me?" "What if this feeling isn't real?" "Am I forcing this?" "Do I feel love?"

I've run from most relationships for the last two years, and the 2 or 3 guys I genuinely liked have either not reciprocated or have been complete twats. So what does this mean? Am I attracted to relationships that wont work?

I know a lot of this is just panic. I think about my 4 year relationship with DW. I was never afraid of being with someone long term. But I look back at it and I wonder what type of person I would become had I stayed with him. What if I'd been in that relationship for 10 years? 20 years? The thought frightens me. I'll tell you, I would be a sad woman, someone with little esteem and even less understanding of me. I would have remained in my own shadow.

I have grown and become so much more in the last 2 years, not only recovering some of my long-lost confidence but also a sense of self that I didn't even know existed. I think my fear springs from me loosing myself again and ending up with someone who isn't quite right for me. You've seen my list (if not, check that blogpost here). I want A LOT from a guy and from a relationship, but I also understand that you cant always have every single thing you want. But what if I settle and its just not-quite-right? Am I still the girl who will settle for what she has and work tirelessly to make it work? Will I be able to see the signs of it not working, and call it quits before it goes too far?

Commitment-Phobe? Hell yeah, I'm bloody terrified! This is the rest of my life, I have to make good decisions! But I'm also scared of missing out on some great experiences with an amazing person, just because I am afraid. So I continue to date, I continue to meet new people, try new things and see what is out there. In spite of everything I have just said, I know, deep down, I'm more afraid of not experiencing the love I know I want and deserve than I am of committing to it.

"I wanna go through the tunnel to the other side!"

Wait for Prince Charming or Search for Mr Right?

As I begin this post, I want to say that there is nothing wrong with being single. I experience the ups and downs daily, so I'm not sugar coating the good times, nor am I ignoring the low points either. However, as the months get increasingly colder and, yet again, I do not have a snuggle-buddy (unless you count my mug of home-made mulled wine- recipe here) I have started to wonder- as women, should we be waiting for Prince Charming or searching for Mr Right?

I'm waiting.... 

As a woman who has walked both roads and come home empty handed, I wonder what the approach should be. I have a friend who is a devout Christian, and she has the belief that men choose women, that as a woman you should wait for a man to come along and make his decision to be with you. There's certainly some merit in this, as I've found through my own experiences. From what I've seen, men tend to make up their minds about things on their own accord, and trying to convince them to be in a relationship when they don't want to is like eating pasta before its boiled. If a man decides he is ready to make the choice to be with you, he will usually come knocking. That's what's happened to me. My only problem is either I didn't want that specific man, or I got tired of waiting.

Bringing me to my opposing thought- do we as women "put ourselves out there" like Charlotte from SATC, and have our eyes on the prize? That's certainly been my approach more recently, since I've put myself back on the proverbial shelf. Although I must stress, I am not as, erm, enthusiastic as I was in my late teens/early 20s, where I'd approach guys at bars and ask for their phone numbers (my youthful overconfidence gave them the wrong impression of me and what I actually wanted, if you know what I mean). Putting myself out there this time round has meant that I am open to receive. I'm on a dating website and I give my number to guys I think are cute. However, I am also looking for what I want (my list is a testament to this). What I've found now is that I put pressure on myself to find someone decent, and as the months get colder, I'm reminded of how lonely I felt this time last year, adding to my desire to find someone, and soon.

Owl would tell me to relax and wait, that someone is out there for me. But does that mean I should sit idle, waiting, or should I be out there trying to find him?

Help me out. What do you think?

What do men want?

I was recently reading an interesting article called "Expert: Guys don't want casual sex!", an extremely interesting article, looking at our misconceptions about men wanting to be "Casanovas". It highlights that men's views on relationships are actually similar to women, in that they want to be in monogamous, meaningful relationships.

Charlie in "Two and a Half Men"

"In mainstream media we’ve had all of this stuff on TV since the 1970s that really promotes this idea of promiscuous young men. The history, as far as I can tell, really starts with Fonzie on “Happy Days” and “Hawkeye” Pierce on “M*A*S*H.” And it continues with guys like Sam Malone on “Cheers” and Charlie Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men” and Barney on “How I Met Your Mother.” For several years now we’ve had so-called good guys who were also promiscuous. If you looked at TV and movies from the ’50s and ’60s, the promiscuous guys were always very clearly the bad example." 

~ Andrew P. Smiley

Author of "Challenging Casanova, Beyond the Stereotype of the Promiscuous Young Male."

Ross and Rachel 

Television certainly has a lot to answer for when it comes to our views around how relationships work. Who hasn't listened to a friend crying down the phone about their latest spat with their partner, and thought "you know what? This reminds of Ross and Rachel..." I guess we could sit here and blame the media for everything, although it may not make much of a difference. Our ongoing perceptions around how men and women relate to one another is the key here. Could it be that we mistake men for sex-crazed maniacs, only wanting to get into our knickers? Could it be that there is an ulterior motive, other than sex?

When I think over my own past relationships- looking at my boyfriends and male friends alike- I can only think of one example of a guy who was in it, all the time, just for the sex. In fact, this isn't even true, because even though he wanted to sleep with every woman that walked past him, he still craved the security and love of a real relationship. Even those men who said to me "I don't want a girlfriend" still appeared to want the closeness and companionship that comes with "being involved."

The stereotyped view that men just want to **** about may also have had an effect on women's behaviour. Is it possible that women's promiscuity has risen because of the view that men want to be in purely sexual relationships? Do we believe that being more sexually available will attract a man into commitment? Come on, I know some of us have, and if not, we certainly know someone that's testing this theory as we speak.

Its easy to label men in this way. But should the alternative be true, then there is a good chance for all us single ladies out here. If men also want relationships, then we have nothing to fear when broaching the subject with them. Perhaps not necessarily on a first date, but certainly once we have gotten to know the guy and decide we want some sort of future with him. Should we have to worry about having that "where is this going?" conversation, if the guy is feeling the same way? Is it possible that he is telling the truth- that he is also looking for love and companionship? Perhaps its the way we approach the question that frightens men. After reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" By Jon Gray and "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man" By Steve Harvey, it became apparent to me that saying words such as "we need to talk" is tantamount to telling a man his penis is about to fall off. Perhaps having the discussion in a non-cliche'd way could help this matter. I don't know, I'm just pondering (please feel free to get back to me with new ways to say this!)

"Where is this going?" conversation- 
not always easy, but perhaps he wants to have it too 

Lets face it, believing that all men are sex-driven swine is getting us no-where. Perhaps acknowledging that men have needs similar to our own may go a long way towards developing meaningful relationships in the long term.

Just a thought.

Have a read of Tracy Clark-Flory's article here. You can also purchase the book that inspired the article here (author Andrew P. Smiler).

Also have a look at "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" here, and "Act like a Lady, Think like a man" here.

A shot of confidence- with extra cream please!

One day I was meeting Owl for a coffee at a certain coffee shop in a certain London Tube Station. I went up to the counter to order my hot chocolate (extra dairy for me, although I think I may be lactose intolerant...) Anyway, I looked behind me and there was this SUPERFIT guy behind me in the line! Oh, the beauty! His body was well fit, muscular and toned, legs not too thin, biceps not too massive. I quickly realised with a body like that in the whole gym get-up, he must be a gym instructor or something.

I like 'em tall, dark and handsome
 with cream!

Not too sure what came over me. One second I'm paying for my hot chocolate, the next I'm joking with Mr Gym that he's having no milk and I'm having extra cream in my drink! (or something to that effect... I guess you'd have to be there to have laughed along...) Anyway, I had to get back to the table as Owl was guarding the comfy seats on her own, and last time she did that she had to fight off abuse from a cantankerous old man...

So I went back to the seats and Mr Gym left with his drink, nodding and smiling a farewell at me as he went. Mmmm, watching him walk away was a treat! Don't judge me! That's how I noticed that his phone number was printed on his T-shirt, turns out he was a personal trainer after all.

It also turns out that my short term memory capacity isn't all that bad either, because as he bopped off out of my life, I was able to memorise his contact details long enough to find my phone in my sack I call a handbag, and send him a text, something along the lines of "I hope you enjoy the coffee, sans milk". When Owl came back to the table I told her the whole thing. He texted back immediately, something along the lines of "Thank you, enjoy your extra cream x" (I know for a fact there was a kiss at the end). Perhaps he was married, or in a relationship, or just out of a relationship or something (it couldn't possibly be that he just wasn't interested!)

Anyway, I guess the whole point of the story is that I took a chance. I went for it. And that's something I haven't been able to do in a long time. And although it may not have played out how I would've hoped, it's still a step in the right direction as far as my confidence is concerned.

Yep, being single can be quite awesome. I look forward to enjoying it more :)