Chemistry is right, but what about the rest?

The more I meet people, the more I realise that having the right chemistry with someone is important.Two people need to have an unspoken connection between them for their relationship to work. But what about when only the chemistry is right? What happens when its the stuff surrounding the chemistry that causes problems?

Getting to know you...

A couple of days ago I was out with some friends, and got talking to a friend of a friend (you know how it goes). I think it started when I quoted a film quote (to be honest I'm still pretty proud of the reference!) and he got it immediately. A great spark was lit. It was great, we found out that we liked the same books, we enjoyed the same movies, we even had the same sense of humour (you guys know me well enough now to know that this is top of my list!) Even some of my friends commented on the energy between us.

There's just one teeny detail that could potentially get in the way. His wife.

Who would get on with this?

Now, I just want to make clear that other than chatting, nothing happened at all. As it stands, I draw a thick, red, poisonous line when it comes to wrecking someone's marriage. But we got on so well, so instantly, it was scary. 

This phenomenon has been happening a lot for me recently. I reconnected with a friend on Facebook (again, from a previous work role) who I get on with like a house on fire (btw I've never understood that phrase... no one gets on with a beloved burning home). We went to dinner and to the cinema, just as friends, and had a great time. Again, our tastes were similar, and the humour was on par. Unfortunately I'm just not attracted to him. Not even slightly.

It leads me to consider the opposite- what about relationships when everything is right except the chemistry? It isn't usually easy for me to find the right connection with a guy. Many of the men I've dated over the past 2 years haven't quite had what I was looking for, and yet, I have tried to compromise anyway, because they're "a nice guy". Each and every one of these relationships has died a rapid, sinking death. Clearly for me, chemistry is supremely important.

The universe has been playing some divine tricks on me recently when it comes to dating. Great guy, no chemistry. Great chemistry, married. What the heck?! This is probably some sort of message, or part of a greater plan of some kind. What I have surmised so far is that perhaps I need to be a teeny bit more specific about what I'm looking for in a man. Like, can I have chemistry and be attracted to the guy too? Oh, and also (if its not too much trouble) can this guy be SINGLE and AVAILABLE (although you'd think this would be a given!)

A question about Online Daring Etiquette...

Just a quick one guys. It's all about online dating.

I'm not brand new to the activity, and I know how to sift through the horny and the hungry. I read men's approaches and decide whether they are worth messaging back, based on their profiles and pictures (sorry, I'm not going to pretend that looks don't matter!) Of course, I try to be outgoing as well, so I have made the first contact with guys I thought had a decent profiles and / or were cute.

So, I made contact with a guy who met both the criteria points, responding to some personal information on his profile to start a dialogue. It was about a day before he replied:

"Hi... Glad you liked my profile and you sound lovely. But you're not really my type of girl. Good luck finding someone! Take care."

Hmmm.

Now, rejection of any kind is never easy to swallow. I appreciate that he was polite, honest and direct. But that made no difference. I was offended. I know I shouldn't have been offended... Or at least that didn't appear to be his intention. But it felt crappy, really crappy.

So, what's the general feeling around Online Dating etiquette? Is it better to ignore the person you're not attracted to or interested in, or send them a psuedo-polite message of rejection?

(Can you tell what side I'm on?)

Everyday Romance

Following on from Panda's post about Valentine's day being a chance for men to win some serious brownie points, I began thinking a little more about romance. And what really is romance?

Ok sure we've got the roses, the champagne, the fancy dinner etc etc. But these are things that anyone  who has seen a chick-flick and owns a credit card can do. For me romance is about those little every day things. More importantly than that it's about knowing the person you are being romantic with..

Sure the big gestures are always appreciated - don't get me wrong. But they will mean SO much more if you stop and think for a little bit about what she (or he) will really appreciate. What will show them that you have listened and paid attention to what they love and enjoy? There is no point committing to a 2hr foot massage if she is squeamish about having her feet touched is there? But remembering a throwaway comment from 6 month ago about that shower gel that reminds her of her Gran will win you more points than you know!

But it doesn't have to be big. The little things mean just as much - if not more because you can do these things every single day.

Walking past your significant others favourite bakery and picking up that shortbread biscuit she loves on the way home from work - just because. Does it drive your partner mad when you always leave your socks in the living room? Make a real effort to pick them up and put them in the hamper.

Seeing that they have had a tough day at work and even though it's their turn to cook, throwing dinner together (or at least phoning for her favourite pizza) whilst running her a bath. Has she been going on about seeing the new Ryan Gosling film even though you hate him? Leave tickets for that evenings show by the side of the bed for her to discover when she wakes up.

Get creative - does she love a certain TV show? Take her on a "themed" weekend away to the film sets (Game of Thrones is mainly filmed in Ireland for example) or on a smaller scale set up a "theme night" at home. If she loves "50 first dates" turn your living room into Hawaii with some paper leis, scented candles and BBQ style dinner whilst you watch the movie together.

If you have a skill or talent - utilise it. Sure not all men can play an instrument or compose poetry - but again get thinking. I once made a guy a website when we couldn't be together for valentines day. There was a playlist of songs embedded, a short video from me and silly things like picture from our favourite childhood movies. It was goofy and cheesy but I had a lot of fun making it and he loved it.

Ultimately it comes down to the amount of thought and effort put in. The most romantic things often cost very little apart from some serious brainstorming.

Oh and please let me not forget the obvious. Words. Honestly spoken words go further than anything else. Tell her thank you. All the time, for every little thing that you appreciate. Compliment her beauty. Genuinely tell her what you love and appreciate about her. Mix it up.

"I really admire the way you handled that really difficult customer at work. I know it's not always easy to keep your cool but you did and I'm really impressed"

"This dinner is delicious - I love your home cooking, thank you so much sweetie"

"You look stunning in that dress, it fits you beautifully"

"You are an amazingly talented musician. I could listen to you play guitar for hours"

Trust me when I say you shouldn't limit romance to valentines day. These little actions will not only make you feel good because you are doing something just for her, but you will start to notice more little things being done for you. Which will then probably increase what you do. Smiles for you, smiles for her, all round fuzzy feelings and the world being just that little bit better. Sure it seems like "effort" at first, but before you realise it they will become second nature to you.

And that's what TRUE Romance is.

PS. For real added points

Always always always wish her goodnight and good morning. Kiss her eyelids as she sleepily opens them, text her "Sweet dreams beautiful", call her to wish her a good day at work. Let her know you are the first thing you think about in the morning and last thing before sleep.

Online Dating - Weird Messages

I've been on a dating website for a few months now, and suffice to say, it hasn't yielded much for me. No more than I would expect from a typical night out at a club- a few nutters, some people acting like their on drugs, the (very) occasional interesting guy to turns out to be dry. Mostly men I don't find very attractive. But hey, sometimes, all you want is a bit of a dance and a conversation! 

My expectations of meeting Mr Right on the site aren't high at all, but it does serve as just another way to meet people I guess. Personally, I only reply to the ones who I am attracted to physically and who reference my profile directly. So, not many.

I have received a couple of funny messages I'd like to share. I'm not sure if it's just me, or whether its normal to attract weirdos. Anyway, have a look and PLEASE let me know if you can relate! I can't be the only one out here! 

These ones are initial messages- they have received absolutely no prompts from me...



erm... I've never heard from you before. Ever.

*

... really?

*

Enough said.

*

SERIOUSLY?

*

SERIOUSLY???

*

This one was my fault, I mentioned in public that I was reading 50 Shades...




er, if you actually READ what I said about the book, then you would know that was a firm NO.

*

I didn't realise my personal page was a dating service. Interestingly enough, you can barely see the to other girls in my picture and neither are on the dating website themselves... And if you're looking for a white girl you're really on the wrong profile mate!

*

I received THIS one very recently. How interesting...



I think the word you're looking for is BUSTED! For the record, I think I may have spoken to this guy, but wasn't interested at all (call it women's intuition...)

*

I have had a couple of dates with some of the more mature guys off the site, but didn't even reached first base with them. They just haven't tickled my fancy (and perhaps I haven't quite tickled theirs). I've decided not to take it too seriously. If nothing else, being on it has provided me with some interesting entertainment!

Do you have any funny, weird, scary messages you'd like to share? I'd love to hear them!

Self-Appreciation: Panda's Journey

I'm not always the most self-assured single girl in this jungle we call London. I'm not going to pretend to be one of those "I'm always positive!" bloggers. Because it just isn't true. I'm not always sure of what I'm doing, or where I'm going. I'm not always confident. And I have insecurities, just like everyone else on the planet... What was my point? 

The other day I was reading a post by Lea Rice on The High Tea Cast Blog, and it helped me to put some things into perspective. It's funny, after my 4 year relationship with DW finally crumbled, it took me years to work out what I was doing wrong (I am not negating all the messed up things he did at all, but it has always been important to me to take responsibility for my own behaviours). I had spent most of the relationship focusing on his needs, putting them well before (and a lot of the time instead of) my own. It's still not the time to discuss the difficulties of my relationship with DW. But it is time to talk about the journey I started, post-break-up. 

I've learned that putting myself first is so important. It took me a long time to realise exactly what this meant, and how to do it. It's been such a personal and individual journey that I can't even explain it in words. I guess everyone has to go on their own journey to understand what this means. 

I've struggled with the notion that "loving yourself" is a conceited and selfish act (character traits I learned to loath as a child, although even now I can't pinpoint why I feel this way). Yet, through self-discovery and allowing myself to just be single, I've realised that it is so important to put my own needs first (without, of course, hurting someone else in the process, where possible). 

I guess what I'm struggling with at the moment is really feeling comfortable being single in my own skin. It's natural to want some company, and to feel loved. However, to want this before learning to appreciate yourself can be extremely dangerous. What can you offer a partner if you don't even appreciate yourself? Wanting to be with someone is nothing if not human nature, but when it's at the expense of your own self-worth and esteem then it just wont give you the satisfaction you crave. For me, its always been important to know that someone loves me and cares about me constantly and consistently. Then I recently realised, who on this planet is really able to give me absolute and unconditional love, apart from me?

This journey is just really beginning for me. I don't have all my own answers, and although I have some understanding, I still feel the pang of being single. However, I know that there is more I need to achieve in this time I have to myself. Once I have, I know I will be truly comfortable in my own space, and being single wont feel so difficult any more.

You can read Lea Rice's blogpost here- really good read.

Lessons from "The Holiday"

"The Holiday" is one of my most favourite Christmas movies. It's a recent favourite, having only seen it for the first time a few years ago, but on the first viewing it became a firm favourite. For me there is something just so real about the characters. And their situations - that desperate need to just run away from reality when everything goes to hell. 

As well as being brilliantly entertaining (Cameron Diaz singing out of tune to "The Killers" is one small example!) I think there are some major lessons we can learn from it - and quotes that we need to keep reminding ourselves of. 

The first is one of the more sad ones. It's this speech by Kate Winslet's character Iris that I think perfectly encapsulates the long and slow process of trying to get over someone...

What I'm trying to say is...

...I understand feeling as small and as insignificant...

...as humanly possible.

How it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you.

It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get...

...or gyms you join...

...or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with girlfriends.

You still go to bed every night going over every detail...

...and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.

And how in the hell, for that brief moment...

...you could think that you were that happy?

And sometimes you can even convince yourself...

...that he'll see the light and show up at your door.

And after all that...

...however long "all that" may be...

...you'll go somewhere new.

And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again.

And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

And all that fuzzy stuff...

...those years of your life that you wasted...

...that will eventually begin to fade.

How many of us have felt like that? I know for damn certain I have. (When I watched this movie last year, this scene had me in floods of tears - it was all just a tad too close to home) 

But it basically sums up the rule of all break ups - only time will heal it. Time and those people that remind you that you ARE worthwhile. 

The second one is an almost throw away line - but it has always stuck with me.

"You're supposed to be the
Leading Lady of your own life
for God's sake!"

Ladies if you listen to only one thing I ever say - listen to this please. You ARE the Leading Lady in your own life. You deserve the job, the friends, the man - whatever makes you happy, you can get it and you deserve it. Your happy ending and "ever after" - whatever that may mean to you - is waiting for you. And don't ever mistake yourself for the 'best friend' role and sort of disappear for half the screenplay. Be centre stage, and be the star for the entire movie. 

And finally I'd like to leave you with just one word. The best word ever heard in a movie EVER. And that word is:

Gumption!

I don't think I even need to explain it. It sounds like what it is. And whether you are the loud, scream about it type, or the quiet thinking type - always remember to have an air of Gumption about you. Be confident, be brave - be unforgettable. 

Am I a Commitment-Phobe?

So, I'm dating. It's the Summer of '12. It's my second date with this guy, who happens to be the first guy I have met online. The first time we meet up he seems interesting, but when I see him walking towards me for our second date, I immediately know that I don't want to see him for a third.

But I'm a good sport, I look pretty and we were having sushi, so I continue the date. He seems cool, and I think to myself (if he is up for it) we could possibly be friends later. Towards the end of the date, we're laying on some grass, taking in the scenery and sun, and I explain to him that I often go into a "me me me" zone, and I like to have guys as friends. He gets the message, he's picking up my vibe. But what he says next throws me a bit. "Are you some kind of commitment-phobe?"

Well, I had never honestly thought about it. Immediately, all my defences are up. I want to say "nope, I just don't like YOU." But I'm not usually that evil (without provocation). However, his words have struck a nerve. Am I afraid of commitment?

I have seen this in myself, ever since I started dating. My last long-term relationship was 4 years long. And that was a long 4 years, let me tell you. I worked hard on that relationship, and I didn't leave it until I knew for certain that the end was in fact the end. I have never been afraid of committing to a relationship. So why was this coming up now?

If only I could meet him...

Thinking more deeply about it all, I can see a pattern. Since that relationship, any time I've gotten close to being anywhere near a relationship, I've freaked out. Maybe not always out loud, but I've definitely felt it. My heart quickens, my mind starts racing and I am unable to function for at least a few minutes (sometimes hours). I'm thinking "what if I want to be with other people?" "what if this person isn't the one for me?" "How can I get out of this?" "What if I actually get to meet Leonardo DiCaprio in real life?" "What if there is someone else out there who is better for me?" "What if this feeling isn't real?" "Am I forcing this?" "Do I feel love?"

I've run from most relationships for the last two years, and the 2 or 3 guys I genuinely liked have either not reciprocated or have been complete twats. So what does this mean? Am I attracted to relationships that wont work?

I know a lot of this is just panic. I think about my 4 year relationship with DW. I was never afraid of being with someone long term. But I look back at it and I wonder what type of person I would become had I stayed with him. What if I'd been in that relationship for 10 years? 20 years? The thought frightens me. I'll tell you, I would be a sad woman, someone with little esteem and even less understanding of me. I would have remained in my own shadow.

I have grown and become so much more in the last 2 years, not only recovering some of my long-lost confidence but also a sense of self that I didn't even know existed. I think my fear springs from me loosing myself again and ending up with someone who isn't quite right for me. You've seen my list (if not, check that blogpost here). I want A LOT from a guy and from a relationship, but I also understand that you cant always have every single thing you want. But what if I settle and its just not-quite-right? Am I still the girl who will settle for what she has and work tirelessly to make it work? Will I be able to see the signs of it not working, and call it quits before it goes too far?

Commitment-Phobe? Hell yeah, I'm bloody terrified! This is the rest of my life, I have to make good decisions! But I'm also scared of missing out on some great experiences with an amazing person, just because I am afraid. So I continue to date, I continue to meet new people, try new things and see what is out there. In spite of everything I have just said, I know, deep down, I'm more afraid of not experiencing the love I know I want and deserve than I am of committing to it.

"I wanna go through the tunnel to the other side!"

What do men want?

I was recently reading an interesting article called "Expert: Guys don't want casual sex!", an extremely interesting article, looking at our misconceptions about men wanting to be "Casanovas". It highlights that men's views on relationships are actually similar to women, in that they want to be in monogamous, meaningful relationships.

Charlie in "Two and a Half Men"

"In mainstream media we’ve had all of this stuff on TV since the 1970s that really promotes this idea of promiscuous young men. The history, as far as I can tell, really starts with Fonzie on “Happy Days” and “Hawkeye” Pierce on “M*A*S*H.” And it continues with guys like Sam Malone on “Cheers” and Charlie Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men” and Barney on “How I Met Your Mother.” For several years now we’ve had so-called good guys who were also promiscuous. If you looked at TV and movies from the ’50s and ’60s, the promiscuous guys were always very clearly the bad example." 

~ Andrew P. Smiley

Author of "Challenging Casanova, Beyond the Stereotype of the Promiscuous Young Male."

Ross and Rachel 

Television certainly has a lot to answer for when it comes to our views around how relationships work. Who hasn't listened to a friend crying down the phone about their latest spat with their partner, and thought "you know what? This reminds of Ross and Rachel..." I guess we could sit here and blame the media for everything, although it may not make much of a difference. Our ongoing perceptions around how men and women relate to one another is the key here. Could it be that we mistake men for sex-crazed maniacs, only wanting to get into our knickers? Could it be that there is an ulterior motive, other than sex?

When I think over my own past relationships- looking at my boyfriends and male friends alike- I can only think of one example of a guy who was in it, all the time, just for the sex. In fact, this isn't even true, because even though he wanted to sleep with every woman that walked past him, he still craved the security and love of a real relationship. Even those men who said to me "I don't want a girlfriend" still appeared to want the closeness and companionship that comes with "being involved."

The stereotyped view that men just want to **** about may also have had an effect on women's behaviour. Is it possible that women's promiscuity has risen because of the view that men want to be in purely sexual relationships? Do we believe that being more sexually available will attract a man into commitment? Come on, I know some of us have, and if not, we certainly know someone that's testing this theory as we speak.

Its easy to label men in this way. But should the alternative be true, then there is a good chance for all us single ladies out here. If men also want relationships, then we have nothing to fear when broaching the subject with them. Perhaps not necessarily on a first date, but certainly once we have gotten to know the guy and decide we want some sort of future with him. Should we have to worry about having that "where is this going?" conversation, if the guy is feeling the same way? Is it possible that he is telling the truth- that he is also looking for love and companionship? Perhaps its the way we approach the question that frightens men. After reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" By Jon Gray and "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man" By Steve Harvey, it became apparent to me that saying words such as "we need to talk" is tantamount to telling a man his penis is about to fall off. Perhaps having the discussion in a non-cliche'd way could help this matter. I don't know, I'm just pondering (please feel free to get back to me with new ways to say this!)

"Where is this going?" conversation- 
not always easy, but perhaps he wants to have it too 

Lets face it, believing that all men are sex-driven swine is getting us no-where. Perhaps acknowledging that men have needs similar to our own may go a long way towards developing meaningful relationships in the long term.

Just a thought.

Have a read of Tracy Clark-Flory's article here. You can also purchase the book that inspired the article here (author Andrew P. Smiler).

Also have a look at "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" here, and "Act like a Lady, Think like a man" here.

He IS just that into you- and deep down you know it!

Owl and Panda are the self-proclaimed Queens of Overthinking. Don't let our well thought out blogposts fool you- when we get ourselves into a tizzy over a one word text from a date, it isn't a pretty sight. Luckily, we rarely tend to overthink at the same time, so when we have girly nights in, we can tell when the other is going overboard with analysations (spell check tells us that this is not a word, so we proclaim it to be one of "our words". Like "ponderments"...)

One of our downfalls is that we don't like to believe that a guy is too into us. We try to play it cool, and not assume that we are amazeballs. Instead we get self conscious and paranoid and this can lead to crazy musings over whether  a guy actually does like us.

Sitting on a long train ride one day, we were chatting about the Blockbuster "He's Just Not That Into You" starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper (to name a few). If you haven't seen it, watch it. It's quite a fun and easy watch, prompting pauses and long conversations whilst Owl and Panda poured over and related each issue to our own lives over white wine and cake. Anyway, we won't spoil the plot, but suffice to say, it's all there in the title. How to know when a guy isn't into you. Or when a girl just isn't into a guy.

But sometimes, we need just as much help to see that a guy actually IS into us. We don't want to be big-headed, but guess what? Some guys do actually want to be with us! And there is no problem with admitting to ourselves that sometimes we rock- and the guy thinks so too! So, on our train journey, with a couple of hours to spare, we came up with a list of tell-tell signs, just as a reference. If you're trying to work out whether a guy IS in fact into you, please have a look, and let us know if it has worked for you too. If you have more to add to the list – please please tell us in the comments. Goodness knows we could do with some more clues….

If he likes you:

1. He calls.

You don't have to worry about him contacting you. You've given him your details. He will get in contact.  Panda remembers a time where she met a guy at a club. Her friends and his friends were all talking, and contacts were shared throughout the night, however, the guy Panda was chatting to got a little (ahem) drunk and she didn't give him her number. Two days later, her friend contacted her. Apparently, his friend contacted her friend to give Panda the message that he wanted to apologise for being drunk and would love to have her contact details. He went above and beyond to track Panda down. Certainly, a sign that he was into her.

2. He talks to his friends about you.

Women talk. So do men. Do NOT let them fool you on this! Perhaps they don't talk in the same way as women, but they are guilty of sharing their musings with their closest chums. Don't be fooled, if he likes you, he would've more than mentioned you to his closest friend or roommate. He may even slip up in conversation. Owl learned this when she went to ELB’s house for the first time, and was introduced. She noticed the tone of the "this is 'Owl'" and noted the reaction of recognition from the roommates. Sure enough, they were already familiar with her presence in his life.

The differences between men and women talking...

3. He makes time.

It doesn't matter how busy he is- he will find the time because he wants to be in your company. Flip it over- when you want to see him, it doesn't matter if you've worked a 12 hour day, and your feet hurt, and your exhausted, and you have promised to take your Gran shopping the following morning- you will get on that 3 hour train to a different city to spend some time with him. We've all done it. And if he likes you, he will make the time to see you too…or even include you in his already made plans.

4. He takes notice of the things you like, and acts upon it.

He's asked all the questions and you've told him the things that you like. Not only has he listened, he has acted. This could be simply knowing that you like a particular chocolate bar and has bought it for you on your next date. But we would go a step further. For instance, Owl met a guy who listened to her like of a particular band. With this knowledge, he found other bands that sounded like this one, and told her about them. He had noticed her likes and was already making connections. You just don’t go that amount of effort for someone you're not into.

5. You just know.We women have been blessed with the ability of intuition. Nevertheless, all too often, we ignore our judgements, or displace them completely, in the fear of seeming presumptuous, or even... needy. But if a guy likes you, it doesn't matter whether you think you are overthinking. If you just relax and look at the evidence in front of you, you just KNOW. You don't have to overthink his every move. Sometimes we like to be modest, and not assume that the guy is totally smitten with is (unless you are a self-assured Panda who couldn't possibly believe someone isn't attracted to her!) But you know when he likes you back. His behaviour and actions show it.

We are not denying that there are some Casanova's out there, some men who make sport of leading girls on. But just trust your intuition, and you can answer the question yourself.

Not that we are not advocating sitting with your girls and having a good old chat about all the possibilities of whether he IS just that into you – over-analysing can sometimes be extremely helpful and fun too ;)

"Being alone SUCKS!" How I get back to positive

If you're anything like me, you've suffered from the mild depression that comes from being single. Like Rachel in Friends said so elegantly: "This SUCKS! Being alone SUCKS!"

This, of course isn't always true, sometimes being single is great! There's no one to be responsible for... um... errr... well, I'm sure there are other reasons (ask me again when I'm not in a "being single SUCKS" mood). When that "I'm alone" feeling sinks in deep, it's hard to feel positive about it.

Especially when your friends all seem to be happily married, in a relationship or dating. I love all my friends, and I am genuinely happy for every single one of them. But I'm sure you guys know what I mean when I say "why can't it be me!"

I've felt this way before. I flit in and out of it from time to time, sometimes its triggered by hormones (you ladies know what I mean), sometimes it's the cold weather. Other times I have no idea what it is. All I know for sure is, it is reversible. I have come up with a few ways to get myself out of the slump. Let me know what you think about them!

mmmmmmmmmmmm

Gym

Work it out. I find exercising actually does increase my ability to feel happy. I burn some nervous energy, I feel healthier for it (and it eats up some of my alone time!) If you're joined to a nice gym, there are also sexy men to sneakily ogle at (don't lie to yourself, we all do it!)

Food

Eating my favourite meal. This may appear to fly in the face of the previous point, but for me, the previous point is less about losing or maintaining weight, its more about feeling exercised and refreshed. Eating my favourite meal always makes me feel satisfied. I am not advocating binge eating. This isn't helpful (and would definitely negate the previous point!) This could be something off a Chinese menu, or some good old chip shop chips. Or a slice of carrot cake with a hot chocolate. Whatever floats the boat.

Happy Film

I throw on a Happy Film. I have a couple on my list, including Iron Man and The Hangover 2. Don't ask why they are my happy films, I don't quite understand it myself, but I always get a giddy feeling when I watch them. It puts me in a much better mood.

I should note here that although Love Actually is another one of my Happy Films, I wouldn't advocate any lovey-dovey movies whilst in the "alone SUCKS" mode. I've done it before- tears and wet tissues everywhere, and there was no turning back at the end- I was firmly in the "Being alone SUCKS" zone.

Guilty Pleasures

This is a guilty pleasure. And it does make me feel a little bad to admit it. But, although I am single, there are a couple of guys that have a small thing for me. They are cool guys, and I have made it perfectly clear to them that they are JUST friends. But sometimes, I just want a little male company. So, I may call one up, have a quick chat. It can be nice to speak to someone who fancies me, nevertheless, I never lead them on.

This can sometimes backfire, if they are busy and can't talk, or they have girlfriends or whatever. So I never leave this as a last resort, it has a weird way of knocking down my house of cards.

Get pretty and dance

This is my secret, so don't laugh. I'll sit down, give myself a mani-pedi, then wash, scrub, mask, cleanse, tone, moisturise my face off, straighten my hair and walk around the house in my cute PJs. I look pretty. For me. Then, I throw on my favourite dance track and go wild! I just focus on the music. No sad songs- just upbeat ones!

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE

So important. I get out. Immediately. Yes, a small amount of wallowing is normal. But when your reaction to natural light is to hiss and squint like a deranged cat, it's time to be outside. I go for a walk around a nice area, or sit for a coffee in a nice coffee shop. Sometimes I get on a bus and look at the sights. Whatever gets me out and about. I know for me, being inside for a long time means extended periods in my own head. And in this type of mood, that's not safe.

These exercises usually get me through a weekend, or however long it is until I have to be somewhere or do something that takes my mind off my woes. Then, I'm back to my jolly, positive-thinking self. Being single isn't all that bad. There are some good points (again, when I have done the above I'll be in a better place to list what they are).

What would be on your list? Let me know so I can add it to mine!

"Mr I"

Men – we are not mind readers any more than you are!

This isn’t a ranty post I promise. Its more of an angsty – actually kinda sad post. But also a little mad at the same time.

“Mr I” – the guy with whom I had many months build up only for it to kind of fizzle into an awesome friendship, recently dropped a bombshell. The “I like you” bombshell. Now obviously I kinda knew this a few months ago given our relationship at the time. But then when you meet up several times and are basically just hanging as friends with nothing physical and then don’t see each other for 6 weeks what’s a gal supposed to think? AND especially considering the last time I tried to bring up a conversation about where we were I got relentlessly mocked and made to feel like a total Muppet, I wasn’t prepared to go through with that again so…I just left it.

And then this gal got on with things. Having fun, dating etc. Hey we never said we were exclusive. Far from it. Heck we never said we were anything to be honest. Yet somehow the green-eyed monster has reared its evil little head when I started dating someone new. And not even dating as yet, a simple second date and you could smell the jealousy in the air.

And now I feel like the bad guy! And seriously – where was this declaration 2 months ago? You know – when I was crazy about him? Why now?

Despite many (many) conversations with Panda and other girlfriends, I still don’t have the answer. But I don’t know what to do. He says he doesn't know what he wants, he knows things weren't working out between us, but he still wants us to be more than friends.

Ugh! This is hard! Or maybe its not. Really you can’t force these things, and the bottom line is…I don’t feel that way any more. But I would hate to loose him from my life – just not at the price of his feelings.

If only he was honest about them. I have a feeling his downplaying this somewhat. But I can only take so much responsibility for someone else’s feelings.

I just hope it is a simple case of pettiness and after a couple of weeks he’ll realise hes being silly and we can go back to being mates. I hope that’s possible. Because as Harry and Sally once asked: “Can a man and woman ever be just friends?”

Am I in Love with Love?

Of course I am! I grew up on Disney Fairy Tales for crying out loud! Is that really such a bad thing?

Maybe love has been distorted. Perhaps it isn't what we believe it is. For instance, in marriage hundreds of years ago, its importance in a relationship was minimal compared to the importance of status and social climbing. Have Fairy Tales contorted the true essence of love? Do we put too much emphasis on the role of love in a relationship? Is love ever enough?

I love the idea of being in love, and have even enjoyed the feeling, but I don't think I believe that love is enough. I want the love- of course!- but I also feel the loyalty and commitment are seriously important qualities in a long-term relationship. And of course, love changes- it begins as passionate and all-consuming, and grows to become a respectful appreciation for the one your with. Then again, does love not encompass all of the above?

Is it okay to simply be in love with love? Can I just pretend that it is enough and hold onto that happy, gooey, juicy feeling where my heart feels like its floating? And if I subscribe to this, am I just setting myself up for heart-failure? A little love for the concept of love can't hurt, surely...

Rave Meditation

It's strange, whenever I find myself in a clubbing situation, I always end up finding a quiet space to sit and meditate. Okay, not meditate. Zen masters would find it difficult to sit still with this kind of baseline. But it often feels like the perfect time to think about how I feel about my relationship situation.

And this is what I'm doing. My friends are off, singing and dancing away, enjoying themselves. And I'm sitting on a sofa, enjoying everyone else's enjoyment. I know it seems strange. I've been doing it for years. I guess being in a social context where everyone is dressed to the nines and most people are looking to "hook up" makes me think of how I feel.

For many years this was an uncomfortable space to be in. That happens when you're in a long term relationship that you're not entirely happy being in (more on that another time). That was a few years ago now, and I haven't been in a relationship since. I won't lie, a lot of this single time has been uncomfortable pining, wishing I was in something meaningful, where I could truly express my feelings. I felt having someone else to love made me a better person, so being without a relationship made me only partly complete. I know there are many other women who know this feeling. As if we're missing out on a vital part of being a woman. Having someone... There. I'm no feminist, nor am I of the school of thought that women have a "place" in the world. I merely mean my whole biology was geared toward feeling something for someone else.

I'm using past tense here. Because I no longer feel this way. Something changed in me, over time but also quite suddenly. People say that time is a healer, and that you need time after a long relationship to really get back to you. (Owl says you need to divide the length of the relationship by two to calculate the amount of time it takes to get over someone... so far this rings true!) This means loving yourself and really taking care of yourself. It has taken me so long to truly understand exactly what that meant.

For so long, I knew I was taking care of myself. But was I really putting myself first? I needed to find time for me, doing the things I really enjoyed and really basking in my own, individual, single company. It was difficult at first, and sometimes still can be. But recently something has clicked, and I really appreciate the time I spend in my own head. I make myself laugh and really feel good when I do all the little things that I love and enjoy.

Why am I having these thoughts in the middle of a rave? I don't know. Maybe it's being surrounded by all these single people, and me realising that I don't need anything from them. I don't need the hottest guy to give me eye contact. I don't need to give my number to a guy to feel happy with my night. Achieving my own happiness comes completely from within me. And within me is feeling pretty good with itself.

That said, I should really get back to dancing. Might as well make the most of a good night out with my friends and dance til my feet hurt! It's what will make me happy right now :)