Chemistry is right, but what about the rest?

The more I meet people, the more I realise that having the right chemistry with someone is important.Two people need to have an unspoken connection between them for their relationship to work. But what about when only the chemistry is right? What happens when its the stuff surrounding the chemistry that causes problems?

Getting to know you...

A couple of days ago I was out with some friends, and got talking to a friend of a friend (you know how it goes). I think it started when I quoted a film quote (to be honest I'm still pretty proud of the reference!) and he got it immediately. A great spark was lit. It was great, we found out that we liked the same books, we enjoyed the same movies, we even had the same sense of humour (you guys know me well enough now to know that this is top of my list!) Even some of my friends commented on the energy between us.

There's just one teeny detail that could potentially get in the way. His wife.

Who would get on with this?

Now, I just want to make clear that other than chatting, nothing happened at all. As it stands, I draw a thick, red, poisonous line when it comes to wrecking someone's marriage. But we got on so well, so instantly, it was scary. 

This phenomenon has been happening a lot for me recently. I reconnected with a friend on Facebook (again, from a previous work role) who I get on with like a house on fire (btw I've never understood that phrase... no one gets on with a beloved burning home). We went to dinner and to the cinema, just as friends, and had a great time. Again, our tastes were similar, and the humour was on par. Unfortunately I'm just not attracted to him. Not even slightly.

It leads me to consider the opposite- what about relationships when everything is right except the chemistry? It isn't usually easy for me to find the right connection with a guy. Many of the men I've dated over the past 2 years haven't quite had what I was looking for, and yet, I have tried to compromise anyway, because they're "a nice guy". Each and every one of these relationships has died a rapid, sinking death. Clearly for me, chemistry is supremely important.

The universe has been playing some divine tricks on me recently when it comes to dating. Great guy, no chemistry. Great chemistry, married. What the heck?! This is probably some sort of message, or part of a greater plan of some kind. What I have surmised so far is that perhaps I need to be a teeny bit more specific about what I'm looking for in a man. Like, can I have chemistry and be attracted to the guy too? Oh, and also (if its not too much trouble) can this guy be SINGLE and AVAILABLE (although you'd think this would be a given!)

The Thrifty Guy with no Shame (Dating history tale)

Dating history tales

Sometimes you just need to hear about the sad, wonderful, inspiring and often downright WEIRD dating experiences of others. This series of blog posts will recount a tale from our pasts - purely for your own amusement. Enjoy and feel free to read more here. 

So, I will begin by saying that I have NEVER been the type of girl to be concerned about money. It is important that a guy has ambition, and isn't afraid to work. My longest term boyfriend was unemployed when we met. However, there is a difference between having a lack of money and being downright cheap.

I met this guy in a club when I was in my very early 20's. He was really funny and made me laugh, and as you all probably know by now, this is the quickest way to my heart. So I gave him my number. Our first date was a quiet walk in the park. Nothing happened, but we got to know each other a little better. Turns out, he was a comedian (hence the funniness) and he was in his early 30's. No real problem there (I have never had a real issue with age) and the date was nice.

What are you, 12?
This is a date, not an outing!

So, second date time and we're planning on going to the cinema. I'm dressed nicely, in a cute skirt and top, nice handbag, hair done to perfection. He turns up in a baggy T-Shirt, baggy joggers and one of those pull-string Nike bags on his back. Erm, why did I bother even doing my hair?

We meet and he asks me if I want anything to eat, so I say that I fancy some Chinese. So we walk around and I pick a decent looking restaurant (I use the terms "decent" and "restaurant" fairly loosely here) and we sit to choose food. He says he's not eating anything, which I find a bit strange, why would you go to a restaurant and not eat? So I pick my meal and eat, and he practically watches me do so. Then, when the bill comes (it cant be more than £3.60) he stares at me and says "I'm paying for the cinema, so you can pay for the meal."

Now, please allow me to reiterate, I am not a money grabbing type of girl, nor do I expect a man to finance my existence. However, if you are trying to impress me on a date, the least you can do is pay for my meal. Especially when it is so cheap! A simple gesture I think, especially since we are both adults (one of us more than the other). To add insult to injury, the cinema tickets cost about £3 each! What sort of horrible budget date is this?

I didn't have any money on me at the time (I assumed I was being taken out!), so I had to go to the cash point, and I'm telling you, I had the urge to jump on the bus and just go home, leaving him with the bill. But I just cant do that to a person (plus, I don't want to bump into him at a comedy club and I end up in the firing line of some stupid joke). So I come back and pay for the meal.

A free ride in London
(providing you don't get caught!)

It gets better. So, we need to get to the cinema, and we have to miss a couple of buses because he has no money on his Oyster Card and he needs to jump on a bendy bus (remember London's brief fascination with bendy buses?) Are you freaking kidding me? By now, I just want to get to the cinema to see the film (it was Idlewild and I had a crush on Andre 3000 and a girl crush on Paula Patton). The bus was packed, so I spent 10mins with his arms around me (**shudder**).

Needless to say, I saw the film, but didn't see him again. I have my standards. Being so horribly thrifty on a date is a complete turn off. 

To this day I feel like I was part of a horrible social experiment, or recorded skit or something. He's been on TV before, and if I mentioned his Comedy name he'd come up straight away on a Google Images search. But I'm not going to, its too embarrassing for him (and I'm not a bad lady really). However, if you see this story played out on TV let me know and I'll happily show you a mugshot...

Being 'out there'- meeting people beyond Online Dating

So, I'm going through my daily trawl of the dating website, of messages I have received. Don't be happy for me. Most of the messages I receive are daft one-liners, usually "hi" or something just as meaningless to me. I was feeling a bit lonely and thought I'd have a look at what the site had to offer.

I came across one guy who seemed interesting, and the site said we were pretty much a good match (based on all the statistical factoring and data configuration no less- Friends Bods will know what I'm on about). Anyway, I thought I'd take a mini leap and send him a message. Turns out, he had already messaged me last year.

"I like your breasts".

Hmmm. It was a frustrating one. I had read through his profile, looked at his statistics and thought this would be a mature person I could at least have a conversation with. I was wrong. Feeling a little affronted, I replied:

"Hmmm. Just read through your profile. Seemed a decent profile, then, as I opened up the message, I realised you messaged me last year. 'I like your breasts'. Well, most people do. Not the kind of opening line I cherish though."

He was quick to reply:

"Well when it comes to honesty I don't hold back. This site is full of people doing the equivalent of 'talking about the weather'. :) Good luck with your search!"

Is this what I'm searching for? Is this what I expect?

That got me thinking. What the hell am I searching for? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I know what I want- a decent guy who treats me well, ambitious, funny, loving and caring blah blah. But do I really believe I am going to find it on a website?

He is right, the site is full of people "talking about the weather". I have met a couple of guys on there, those who were "highly matched" who ended up annoying the hell out of me after a couple of dates. I'm sure the site's master computer would argue that I have entered some details wrong, or that I am not being authentic online, or something. The long and short of it is, there is only so far I can go when "meeting" someone online.

At the risk of sounding like an old bag, I miss the days when I would go out and just meet guys. There were times when I would meet 3 or 4 guys on the same night, go out on dates with them, and then the following week start the process again. I know, this was when I was a little younger, and I had a different type of energy. And yes, I am probably looking for something different in a guy than I was 7 years ago. But I still miss meeting guys when out and about, using my instinct to judge his character, seeing his reactions to me, reading body language and so on. What happened to that?

Many a face I have made at an online message

As technology advances, are we doomed to hide behind laptops and smartphones, using computers to pick out potential mates, spend months "talking" through texts and messages before having any actual face to face contact?

On the flip side, I know a few people who have met their current partners online, and they aren't complete dullards, or douche-bags  This is only a teeny ray of hope for me though, because for everyone I know that has found someone good for them, there are 10 who make that "what the actual f*ck?" face every time they check their messages.

This is why I'm taking a stand. I'm making it my mission to be out there more. And I do mean out there- just like Charlotte in SATC. I want to see and be seen again. I want to be approached and have actual conversations with guys in real life. Remember those? Yes, its nerve wracking and frightening, and yes, its a tad awkward at first, but you know what? I got less "I like your breasts" comments face to face when I met guys the old fashioned way. That's got to mean something.