Being 'out there'- meeting people beyond Online Dating

So, I'm going through my daily trawl of the dating website, of messages I have received. Don't be happy for me. Most of the messages I receive are daft one-liners, usually "hi" or something just as meaningless to me. I was feeling a bit lonely and thought I'd have a look at what the site had to offer.

I came across one guy who seemed interesting, and the site said we were pretty much a good match (based on all the statistical factoring and data configuration no less- Friends Bods will know what I'm on about). Anyway, I thought I'd take a mini leap and send him a message. Turns out, he had already messaged me last year.

"I like your breasts".

Hmmm. It was a frustrating one. I had read through his profile, looked at his statistics and thought this would be a mature person I could at least have a conversation with. I was wrong. Feeling a little affronted, I replied:

"Hmmm. Just read through your profile. Seemed a decent profile, then, as I opened up the message, I realised you messaged me last year. 'I like your breasts'. Well, most people do. Not the kind of opening line I cherish though."

He was quick to reply:

"Well when it comes to honesty I don't hold back. This site is full of people doing the equivalent of 'talking about the weather'. :) Good luck with your search!"

Is this what I'm searching for? Is this what I expect?

That got me thinking. What the hell am I searching for? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I know what I want- a decent guy who treats me well, ambitious, funny, loving and caring blah blah. But do I really believe I am going to find it on a website?

He is right, the site is full of people "talking about the weather". I have met a couple of guys on there, those who were "highly matched" who ended up annoying the hell out of me after a couple of dates. I'm sure the site's master computer would argue that I have entered some details wrong, or that I am not being authentic online, or something. The long and short of it is, there is only so far I can go when "meeting" someone online.

At the risk of sounding like an old bag, I miss the days when I would go out and just meet guys. There were times when I would meet 3 or 4 guys on the same night, go out on dates with them, and then the following week start the process again. I know, this was when I was a little younger, and I had a different type of energy. And yes, I am probably looking for something different in a guy than I was 7 years ago. But I still miss meeting guys when out and about, using my instinct to judge his character, seeing his reactions to me, reading body language and so on. What happened to that?

Many a face I have made at an online message

As technology advances, are we doomed to hide behind laptops and smartphones, using computers to pick out potential mates, spend months "talking" through texts and messages before having any actual face to face contact?

On the flip side, I know a few people who have met their current partners online, and they aren't complete dullards, or douche-bags  This is only a teeny ray of hope for me though, because for everyone I know that has found someone good for them, there are 10 who make that "what the actual f*ck?" face every time they check their messages.

This is why I'm taking a stand. I'm making it my mission to be out there more. And I do mean out there- just like Charlotte in SATC. I want to see and be seen again. I want to be approached and have actual conversations with guys in real life. Remember those? Yes, its nerve wracking and frightening, and yes, its a tad awkward at first, but you know what? I got less "I like your breasts" comments face to face when I met guys the old fashioned way. That's got to mean something.

Feel the feelings

A year ago today was meant to be my Wedding Day. With the power of hindsight, I am so grateful it wasn't  But if I could whisk myself back 18months I would see a broken hearted and dishevelled girl sitting on my couch, with two boxes worth of snotty crumpled tissues around her and two years worth of memories on her laptop in front of her.

An Owl in a meringue...

I'm sure this sounds familiar to most. We've all been there in the heart of a breakup at least once. I'd like to think my situation was a little unique. Not only were we in a long distance relationship, but he was a "recovering" alcoholic and ex convict that I had supported emotionally (and financially) for the last 2 years. Jeesh you write it down like that and it suddenly sounds so awful.

But at the time, I was madly in love. And not only that, I was subject to my own worst flaw - always seeing and believing in the best in people. That didn't get me very far, but thankfully he showed his true colours before it became legal and he moved to my country, to my flat, to burden me and my loved ones with the rest of his problems for the rest of our lives.

Back to 18 months ago and me on my couch broken hearted. I could tell you "I didn't think it would ever get better" But that would be a lie. You see, I also believe in the strength of myself. And I refused to ever allow one pathetic excuse of a human being to decide the state of my mental health.

Because to be perfectly honest with you, it very nearly did. I had poured so much into that man. So much of my faith in humanity, of my belief in love, of my firm unchanging foundations of knowing someone can always change for the better....and had that torn up, spat on and destroyed in front of my eyes. Many many times over during the longest month of my life.

So there I was....the very soul of everything I had every believed in in tatters, and that could've been the end of it. I could've given up on love and trust and all of that right there. I don't think anyone would've blamed me. But I didn't. I refused to, My own pigheaded stubborness kicked in! That and my loved ones...

To this day I don't think I would've made it without them. My friends and family reminded me every single day exactly why my belief system is one of the goodness in humankind and of love.

At the time I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't know when it would stop hurting, or when I would be able to close my eyes and not see his face. I didn't know when the day would come when I wouldn't break down whilst washing dishes and I had no idea if I would even be able to love someone again for certain. But I knew it was coming....and that it couldn't be rushed.

It sounds so cliché but time is the biggest healer. But only when you accept what is happening. As I once told Panda, you have to "feel the feelings". Don't block them away, the quicker you accept them and work your way through them, the easier it will be.

Look at me. 1 year from the day I was supposed to marry that guy and I didn't even remember the significance of the date until 10:30 at night! I can't even picture his face or hear his voice properly any more.

I won't rehash all the clichéd advice. But I will repeat the piece of advice I can give to anyone.

Feel the feelings. 

That and never, EVER let anyone mess with your ability to love and care and cherish for another. Those things come from inside you...and if the ex wasn't smart enough to see those things in you, well, that's just all the more fortunate for the next isn't it?

A question about Online Daring Etiquette...

Just a quick one guys. It's all about online dating.

I'm not brand new to the activity, and I know how to sift through the horny and the hungry. I read men's approaches and decide whether they are worth messaging back, based on their profiles and pictures (sorry, I'm not going to pretend that looks don't matter!) Of course, I try to be outgoing as well, so I have made the first contact with guys I thought had a decent profiles and / or were cute.

So, I made contact with a guy who met both the criteria points, responding to some personal information on his profile to start a dialogue. It was about a day before he replied:

"Hi... Glad you liked my profile and you sound lovely. But you're not really my type of girl. Good luck finding someone! Take care."

Hmmm.

Now, rejection of any kind is never easy to swallow. I appreciate that he was polite, honest and direct. But that made no difference. I was offended. I know I shouldn't have been offended... Or at least that didn't appear to be his intention. But it felt crappy, really crappy.

So, what's the general feeling around Online Dating etiquette? Is it better to ignore the person you're not attracted to or interested in, or send them a psuedo-polite message of rejection?

(Can you tell what side I'm on?)