Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Sex is not love

Whether you learn it the hard way (like I did) or you've read it somewhere early and took note, it's important for us women to realise that sex is not the same as love.

I read somewhere once that women have been genetically programmed to become "attached" to the man they sleep with, whereas men are programmed to "sow their seed" with as many women as possible. Given the things I've seen my friends go through over the last year or so, this makes some sense. Could it be that we women are genetically programmed to love the person we are sleeping with?

I'm no stranger to the concept of a "friend with benefits" and although I can say that I have not been in love with said "friend", I have felt loving feelings towards them after sex. Like many women I know, I yearn for intimacy both during and after sex, and I feel quite daunted and uneasy if the guy just rolls over and sleeps, or leaves in a hurry. Is this the "attachment" or "loving feeling" I've read about?

Like I said, I learned that sex was not love the hard way. And in realising this, I want to share it with every female I come into contact with. It means I do not love every man I sleep with, no matter what the overspill of emotions tells me. And it also means that "giving it up" will not necessarily result in the guy falling in love with me.

I'm not saying that men won't love a woman after having slept with them. I know of a friend of a friend of a friend who slept with a guy on the night they met and they are now happily married. What I mean is that just because sex has happened does not mean the guy will begin to have feelings for the woman.

Through discussions with many of my female friends, and through my own experiences, we have found that men have had more respect and love for women the more quality time they spend together. This is more than sex. I'm referring to fun activities, deep conversations, long walks, dinner dates, funfair and theme park trips. Guys have shown their levels of love through spending quality time, not just through sex.

I would love it if I could preach this to every woman I meet who didn't already know it. I feel like it's the Holy Grail of relationships- a forgotten truth that all women must know, to understand their biological make up and have more meaningful relationships.

Not to say the non-meaningful, short-lived, "can't get enough" sexual relationships can't be enjoyable. After all, who doesn't like a bit of meaningless animal sex?

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