Wednesday, 12 September 2012

50 shades of kink

Ah the “Mummyporn” book that everyone is talking about. Even if you hadn’t read it I’m sure you know what its about. (If not go hit up the 50 million reviews on Amazon – its not a complicated story I promise!)

Love it or loath it we can give it one thing and that is that’s its got everyone thinking about their kinks, turn ons and fetishes. I think we can all admit to having varying fetishes and what is kinky to one person is plain old vanilla to another and one persons hard core X-rated is anothers “meh”. But that’s not really what I’m here to discuss. (Maybe another time?)

What I want to talk about is expressing these desires in new or even non-existant relationships. Now before I go into this post, I want to establish a few rules that I hope would go without saying, but I will say them none the less:
  1. Never EVER do anything you are not comfortable with.
  2. If you are uncomfortable, not enjoying something or in pain always say “No/Stop that/I’m not enjoying this” in a clear strong voice  - maintain eye contact if possible – make sure there is no room for misunderstanding.
  3. If those words may be part of the fun make sure you agree upon a safe word in advance and don’t be afraid to use it.
The next “rule” is actually a bit more complicated, one that is often preached but I am in two minds about. “Only ever do these things in a loving, committed relationship or with someone you trust” Now the part of that I agree with is “with someone you trust”. Maybe I’m just a good judge of character or maybe I trust too easily, but I don’t need to have been dating someone a year and be majorly in love before trusting someone. 

I was in a situation once where there was a guy I knew, we were “sort of” dating but there was no real definition on it. I’d known him for some time and shared a lot with him, although very little physically. After talking about kinks and fetishes we had some fun. It was all very natural – it wasn’t like we had a discussion about “we should do this/that” – we just said “never really understood that one but it could be fun  - lets try it” in response to a couple of the conversation topics.

At no point did I feel uncomfortable. At no point did I feel unsafe. At no point did I feel worried that he wouldn’t listen if I told him no. I half jokingly was saying “I’m not sure about this” with a smile and he jested “If you do it to me I get to do it to you” But even with the jesting I felt safe; knowing at no point would he actually “insist” if I told him no (or used the safe word).

Let me clarify. This is not a man I was in love with, nor in a relationship with. Heck we wernt even really what you’d call dating. But I had a large amount of trust for him (and he likewise) and that made it ok. Now we then get into the whole other issue of “how do you know when you want to sleep with someone” but the point remains that I was safe.

There are no hard and fast rules that say we can’t express, experiment with and discover new kinks, fetishes  and turn-ons with someone we are “merely dating”.  Don’t ever let your only reason for not expressing your sexuality be “Am I supposed to be in a relationship before doing this?”

And if you’re not sure my biggest piece of advice is this: If something goes hilariously wrong – will you both be able to laugh about it together? If the answer is ‘Yes’ you’re likely on a winning path.

Sex can be very funny sometimes what with fanny farts, weird faces, cramp at the most inopportune time and loads more besides. If the two of you are comfortable enough to laugh about it, hopefully you will also be comfortable discovering some new fun things to do together.

Go forth, have fun – STAY SAFE! 

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