Monday, 15 October 2012

The sweet rewards of resisting temptation

Owl found herself in a very interesting situation this weekend.

I recently stared dating "ELB" - a lovely young man who I am quite excited about if truth be told! However whilst working an event, I was presented with a very attractive American who also seemed to have taken quite an interest in me.

I put this interest purely down to a "boys on tour" attitude and wanting to have a bit of fun overseas. Nothing wrong with that - we've all been there! And I'd be lying to you if I were to say I was not tempted as he was yummy! Arms like a Greek God (tattooed none the less), sparkly eyes and a confidence that oozed out of him like an intoxicating drug that left you slightly giddy.

This was a week long event, and the tension built little by little until the final night where there were direct propositions being made to our innocent little Owl (*cough cough*) And honestly I was tempted. I kept playing over in my head how it would go, how exciting it would be, but there were a couple of voices telling me firmly "no".

The first (most obviously) is as it was a work event, this is not the height of professionalism. But the second - and biggest was the thoughts of ELB. He kept swimming into the front of my mind, and I knew there was no way I could or would jeopardise what I think we might possibly be working towards.

Please don't think that this was a decision on whether to cheat or not. At this point me and ELB had had no such conversations about whether we were exclusive or not - in fact almost the opposite as he works through some things. But to have a night like that before a weekend of romance that had been in the planning for 2 weeks? To literally go from one bed to the next. *shudders* I just couldn't, it's not me, it's not who I am.

And you know what really got me? A text he sent me that night that went something like this:

"I'm going to bed early, the sooner I get to sleep the sooner it's tomorrow - just like Christmas!"

I mean c'mon, who's heart wouldn't melt a little at that? I know mine did! And it was re-reading that text, re-playing the smile it brought to my face over and over again that made me know my door was staying firmly locked and I was going nowhere near the American.

Although the next morning it was hard to get him out of my head. The temptation had burrowed itself into a corner of my mind that threatened to drive me a little crazy - until I saw ELB walking up my road and he gave me one of those greetings you only really see in the movies. A smile and a kiss that made my heart race and pushed all other thoughts out of my head.

And now, at the end of a delightful weekend, I think about how I would have felt at the end of a night of passion with the American, and how I feel now – I know I made the right choice. Proof, that although sometimes it feels so good to give into temptation, sometimes it is worth so much more to resist it and hold out for greater gratification.

Especially when its an almost straight up choice between the quintessential “badboysexgod” with the eyes, the accent, the flirtation and the Good Guy. The one that will rub your feet and cook for you, pour you wine whilst telling you you’re beautiful and make you feel so many more things than one night of passion ever would. 

Friday, 12 October 2012

The List

I was having a chat with Owl, due to my "hot and cold" nature when dealing with dates. I don't know about all you wonderful people out there in the real world, but I have a natural propensity to go off of men quite easily. It could be little things, such as him wearing a leather jacket in blazing heat, or not picking up the bill at the end of a meal. For me, it's the little things that show the type of person you are. After all, anything you do is everything you do.

Anyway, back to my chat with Owl. During our convo, it occurred to me that I actually do have a list in my head around what the perfect man for me would be like. I guess I have compiled the list over the years, taking the things I like from ex-boyfriends and reversing the things that pissed me off.
This conversation is reminiscent of a chat I had about a year ago with another friend. She is a Christian, and after going on various dates, she decided to make a list of the qualities of the perfect man and put that list in her Bible. Within months, the perfect man was in her life. Although (not to put a downer to this point, I should mention that they split up after about 6 months. Turns out, he was perfect as far as the list was concerned, but she changed her mind over what she wanted). I am not a Christian, but I do have a belief in the Laws of Attraction, and can see the logic behind this activity. If you want something in life, you need to focus on it, and ensure your focus is clear.
So below is my list. It's quite a long one, so bare with me. Some of the items on the list are general, and I am sure can be applied to most women's dream of the "Perfect Man". But even those points are specific to what I want in a man.
Panda's List
  • Someone that makes me laugh from the pit of my stomach, daily. This is at the top of the list for a reason- it's so very important to me!
  • Someone that understands my dry, sarcastic humour and appreciates it.
  • Someone who really enjoys my company. And I really enjoy theirs. Sounds obvious, right?
  • Someone that does not smoke. And only really drinks socially. And doesn't do drugs.
  • Someone tall, dark and handsome. He should be taller than me when I wear heels.
  • Someone from my background (Black Caribbean)- although I must admit this is not essential, it just makes things easier (in terms of understanding my heritage and dealing with my family).
  • Someone who appreciates my religious choices. He doesn't have to agree with them, of course and I will appreciate his. As long as there is an open and respectful dialogue.
  • Someone without hair (can't be dealing with looking after his hair AND my own!). He doesn't need to be bald; a low, manageable cut is fine with me.
  • Someone athletic, perhaps studies a martial art and attends the gym. Someone fit and healthy, and is concerned with his health. He should have beautiful muscles and a healthy physique, but he doesn't have to look like The Rock... although if he does, I wouldn't complain...
  • Someone who is competitive like me. I like to play games and have a laugh. It's more than just taking part, you know...
  • Someone who is (ahem) well endowed, and knows what he is doing. I can teach him the rest ;)
  • Someone who is willing to try new experiences and teach me a few things (link to above point, as appropriate).
  • Someone who loves their job- whatever it is. Although I'd prefer not to have a Police Officer or a Fireman, I don't like the shifts that they do. Loving their career means they are happier in life!
  • Someone who wants to make me happy in any way possible.
  • Someone that wants to take care of me. This doesn't mean I will stop taking care of myself, but having someone be there for me for a change would be nice...
  • Someone who wants a family- children- and who believes in putting their family first.
  • Someone who has friends and enjoys spending time with them. A Billy-no-mates really doesn't appeal to me. My friends are important to me, and I can't have him trying to tag along with me all the time, or moan when I am not spending all my free time with him. It just wouldn't work for me.  
  • Someone who is good with their hands around the house, and is willing to learn to fix anything!
  • Someone who is not stubborn, who can admit when they are wrong and get over things. And doesn't throw things in my face.
  • Someone who is able to talk about their feelings, although I don't want someone who whines about things or goes on and on. Just the ability to open up and talk about things is enough for me.
  • Someone that earns more than I do. I used to be quite "feminist thinking", however I now feel that (personally speaking) my guy can earn more and contribute more to the household than me. I will, of course, play my part and pay my way.
  • Someone who is good with their money, sensible but not cheap!
  • Someone who likes to travel and is willing to try new experiences with me.
  • Someone that LOVES me. And I love them back. Again, so obvious, but so essential.
I doubt this list is exhaustive. I am sure there will be a man out there that will piss me off and have me add something else to it. I am reminded by Owl that although these are things I want in a man, I should also remember to be flexible. The truth is, any man could walk into my life and totally change my perspective on what I want. Look at my Christian friend! Although, this list has made me look at a couple of the men I have been on dates with, and is explaining a current feeling of "meh" I have towards all of them....
Have any of you out there ever made a list? And what have you added to it? And has the process of making a list made it easier for you to focus on what you are looking for? And, of course, has it worked?
Panda would love to know!

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

The lure of the badboy

Oh…the bad boy. What is it about them? Take even your most intelligent, confident, self-sufficient woman – show them a long haired, tattooed dude with a motorbike and an attitude problem and suddenly we’re all of a quiver.

Ok…so maybe this is not all women. Plenty of girlfriends tell me ”Bad boys? Nah – show me a nice boy to take home to Mother and I’m happy” And I’m sure they’re not lying but I bet you they’re just not admitting to that secret smile when they think of…hell just about anyone riding a bike!

But what IS the appeal here? I sure as hell don’t get it and I’m one of the poor unfortunate souls attracted to them. Is it this absurd thought that we can change them? This ridiculous misguided notion that they will love us enough to change for us? But then where was the attraction in the first place if we want to convert them into a “nice guy”?

Is it the implied danger? That edge, that risk factor. Knowing that we may get burnt but that little voice in the back of our heads whispering “Go on. Go ON! Touch it! It’s not hot…”

Or is it as simple as basic biology? An attraction as old as genetics itself? Women are pre-programmed to procreate with the most masculine of men and these bad-boys show us very testosterone heavy traits? Body hair, deep voices, a general sense of recently having killed an animal?

Who knows – because I sure as hell don’t. I just know a little bit of treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen does indeed keep me on my toes. But it’s an extremely thin and risky line for a man to walk. Because if you acct like too much of a dick I’m going to want to put you in your place. TOO nice though and there’s always a small chance we may get bored too quickly. (Sorry guys – we never said what we want is straightforward or logical).

Bottom line though Bad guys should not be a long term consideration in my book and trust me – I speak from experience.  There is almost always some weird reason as to WHY they put forward this…edgy, non-emotional persona. There is some emotional baggage that they are hiding from. And it may seem…sexy or romantic even to be the person to “fix him” but really – what are the odds of this happening? You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves. And again please please PLEASE believe me when I say this. I really do speak from experience and it wasn’t a pretty one.

So limit your bad boys to novels, movies and perhaps occasionally the odd sexy fling. But when looking for love? Your Mother had a point – find a nice boy that you would be happy to bring home to her. Just don’t tell her about that tattoo in the not so obvious place….

 Do you like the bad boys? 

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