Friday, 4 January 2013

Self-Appreciation: Panda's Journey

I'm not always the most self-assured single girl in this jungle we call London. I'm not going to pretend to be one of those "I'm always positive!" bloggers. Because it just isn't true. I'm not always sure of what I'm doing, or where I'm going. I'm not always confident. And I have insecurities, just like everyone else on the planet... What was my point? 

The other day I was reading a post by Lea Rice on The High Tea Cast Blog, and it helped me to put some things into perspective. It's funny, after my 4 year relationship with DW finally crumbled, it took me years to work out what I was doing wrong (I am not negating all the messed up things he did at all, but it has always been important to me to take responsibility for my own behaviours). I had spent most of the relationship focusing on his needs, putting them well before (and a lot of the time instead of) my own. It's still not the time to discuss the difficulties of my relationship with DW. But it is time to talk about the journey I started, post-break-up. 

I've learned that putting myself first is so important. It took me a long time to realise exactly what this meant, and how to do it. It's been such a personal and individual journey that I can't even explain it in words. I guess everyone has to go on their own journey to understand what this means. 

I've struggled with the notion that "loving yourself" is a conceited and selfish act (character traits I learned to loath as a child, although even now I can't pinpoint why I feel this way). Yet, through self-discovery and allowing myself to just be single, I've realised that it is so important to put my own needs first (without, of course, hurting someone else in the process, where possible). 

I guess what I'm struggling with at the moment is really feeling comfortable being single in my own skin. It's natural to want some company, and to feel loved. However, to want this before learning to appreciate yourself can be extremely dangerous. What can you offer a partner if you don't even appreciate yourself? Wanting to be with someone is nothing if not human nature, but when it's at the expense of your own self-worth and esteem then it just wont give you the satisfaction you crave. For me, its always been important to know that someone loves me and cares about me constantly and consistently. Then I recently realised, who on this planet is really able to give me absolute and unconditional love, apart from me?

This journey is just really beginning for me. I don't have all my own answers, and although I have some understanding, I still feel the pang of being single. However, I know that there is more I need to achieve in this time I have to myself. Once I have, I know I will be truly comfortable in my own space, and being single wont feel so difficult any more.

You can read Lea Rice's blogpost here- really good read.

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